jo
@whatsJo
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Following
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Statuses
158,719
b-side. I eat popsicles for breakfast. Trial ft error. 🤖rights. crusha bit, lil bit✨
ATL she/her 🇵🇸
Joined October 2015
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Pinned Tweet
I came here to do two things: pray and quote Natalie Imbruglia, and I’m all out of faith
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
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ＭＹ ＰＵＳＳＹＩＮ ＢＩＯ bots are like the house spiders of this app to me now. Existing alongside. Not bothering me. If they catch a man’s credit card info, well then that’s just their nature.
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I have an IUD, if it’s criminalized in Georgia can I keep this one until it expires or will a cop rip it out of me at my next annual
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him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
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bisque jockey
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it’s the third month of March, every day is Wednesday, and the time is either light or dark
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tsa agent: sorry you can only board with 3.4 oz of liquid or less
me: ok just toss it out then
Kool Aid Man: *dressed in tommy bahama* babe what
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me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
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my dad said “and now a sponse from our worder” and my mom laughed so hard she almost threw up
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twitter blue is like paying to lower the basketball hoop and forcing everyone to watch you still miss
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Chicken lays eggs
Chicken loses job
Chicken needs to make ends meet
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give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a woman to fish and men will ask her who holds the record for catching a 138lb 6oz bass in 1969 for a lifetime
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[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
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him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
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me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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the only people who enjoy setting off fireworks are guys that spend their workday imagining scenarios where they overtake a gunman
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[commercial for stones] are you tired of killing 2 birds with your bare fuckin hands
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I can’t imagine being so rich that I could make a global difference and just, you know, deciding not to
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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
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me: I'm going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
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aquarium security noticing my bump: how far along are you?
me: excuse me?!
octopus under my shirt: *jabs gun in my side a little harder*
me: OW I MEAN 5 MONTHS!
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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him (a man of wealth and taste): please allow me to introduce myself.
me (puzzled by the nature of his game): woo woo
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I came here to do two things: pray and quote Natalie Imbruglia, and I’m all out of faith
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my daughter once painted me a flesh snowman as a joke and wanted to get rid of it, but instead I hang it up every Christmas because it’s important to teach kids about committing to a bit
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
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him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
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me: ok now let’s do a silly one
first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash
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cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
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ok do not DM me about how I’m preventing myself from having beautiful children, my husband and I have four
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
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[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
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I started every essay in fourth grade with “it was a dark and stormy night” no matter what subject
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me: I hate when I walk into a room and forgot why I went in there haha
patient grabs my ankle: epipen
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anyone: what decade do you wish you could be born in
me, a woman: never
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no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
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For someone who said "Correct me if I'm wrong..." you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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I'm not sure how you have your foot in your mouth, head in your ass, and nose in my business, yet here we are you fucking wizard.
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fridge guy: I’m going to make a box that keeps food cold
freezer friend: imma make an even colder box
fridge guy: mine will fit a lot of food, and have a light to see it all
freezer friend: .... nah fuck that part
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her: so what do ya think about kids?
guy who invented banana flavored candy: I hate them
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me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
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waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
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me: *collecting firewood*
beaver: aw yeah make a dam
me: *starting fire*
beaver: hold the fuck up
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crop circles
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executioner: any last words?
me: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
me: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
me: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
me: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
me: I beg your pardon
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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
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me: popcorn button doesn’t work on the microwave
him: what happened
me: it’s still broccoli
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me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
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me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you've been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
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anyone: hey I like you
me:
[huddle]
my head: they think they like us
anxiety: they don’t know us
depression: do we even know us
Foreigner: I wanna know what love is
self awareness: ok we look weird right now
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me, as a child: you must love cooking
lunch lady: *hands me a tray* nope
me: you must love kids then
lunch lady: *ashes her cig in my mashed potatoes* nope
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@bobby
@lanyardigan
years ago, another mom saw me juggling four kids at the haircut place and on her way out she said “I see you, mama” and I levitated.
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
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