Jeff 🇵🇸
@usedwigs
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Executive Producer of 'Nephew Swap.' Runner of trails.
Philly
Joined August 2008
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Pinned Tweet
Anglophiles love telling you the best sitcom ever is something like "Porridge Lads" (3 seasons, 6 episodes).
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*Avengers: Endgame, opening scene, 1 month later*
Captain America (crying): "I'm still so sad."
Black Widow: "We need to do something fun. Let's go see Oates in concert."
Captain America: "Just Oates? What about Ha... oh right..." (more crying)
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my dog waiting for his 7pm treat as I calmly explain daylight saving time to him
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When my daughter was 3 or 4 she was watching Seasame Street in the other room when a muppet started playing electric guitar. She ran in and said "Daddy, you like Rock and Roll music, right?" "I do." I said. She took my hand and said "I think you're really gonna enjoy this."
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the weekend-ending trauma of seeing the 60 Minutes stopwatch as a kid lives forever
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If you're on a zoom call with a guy and he has guitars hanging on the wall behind him, DO NOT ask him about them, that's exactly what he wants you to do.
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...Cap goes to his bedroom and turns on the TV, sees "Property Brother" (much more crying)
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No one hates my love of 90s alt rock music more than my daughter Glycerine.
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If you went to a Third Eye Blind concert and Matchbox Twenty came out instead and started playing you'd be like "sure, that's fine."
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What do I miss most about my Dad? Probably the child detective agency he ran.
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Just drove by a preschool in my neighborhood where all the kids were standing outside with their teachers watching a trash truck empty a dumpster. When the dumpster was lifted upside down and the trash came out, all the kids clapped/went nuts.
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when you put on your favorite sweatpants straight out of the dryer
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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Sorry I'm 4 hours late I had to type in my Neflix password on a new TV using the remote.
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Hi, I’m your waiter Jeff, let me tell you about The Specials. The Specials are an English 2 Tone ska revival band from Coventry, England…
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Watching "The Meg," a film about a prehistoric shark named Meghan.
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My wife told me someone wrote OZZY on the sidewalk today. In 5th grade, the class tough guy wrote OZZY in huge letters on the blackboard. I then got up and wrote an F before the O and BEAR underneath and got punched so incredibly hard I still wince when I think about it.
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Anyone recommend a good book to sit on my nightstand untouched for 3 years collecting dust while I mindlessly stare into this stupid screen?
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"A majestic bald eagle has landed near the Art Museum awaiting the arrival of... wait, sorry, it's just a drunk fan in an eagle costume."
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It's coming... 11/29/2020
Eleven Miles, Four Seasons, Total Landscaping!
More details soon!
Just throwing it out there, new Philly 10-Miler?
@rebthebarber
@dhm
@byJenAMiller
@GPescatore
@brimil
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Me: "my hometown is BELMAR and my wife's hometown is AMBLER. They are anagrams of each other and"
Ken Jennings: "Wow, that's amazing"
Me: "I'm not finished, Alex. Both towns are overrun with werewolves"
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"Wonder Woman 1994" sequel, opening scene:
Diana (with the Rachel hairdo) chases flannel-clad thieves on roller blades, "You gotta keep 'em separated..." blares
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I don't know the name of the actress in The Departed but hers face is vera farmigaliar.
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"Um, here's a crazy idea, how about finishing the wall mural in the baby's room?" - Banksy's wife
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when you enjoy a little treat for doing a good job cutting your own hair
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"Look at your dumb fat face in the mirror for a half hour." - haircuts
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my daughter just reminded me of this classic... greatest final line ever.
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Three years ago today we welcomed these "senior" good girls into our home. They are now 8 years old and still love eating gross things in the street and being sweet to all humans and dogs they encounter. Take a chance on some older dogs if you can. They're pretty great. 🐕🐄
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🎶And I swear that I don't have a sword
No I don't have a sword
No I don't have a sword 🎶
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Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
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When my daughters came home from the craft store they both rushed in to tell me they got something that looks just like me. Flattered.
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I like when new parents tell you "he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie."
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Upcoming Jason Statham Movies:
- The Crime Job
- The Guy Fighter
- The Car Driver
- Fist & Chips
- Snog
- Plunk
- Cockney & Racy
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when you put the dogs in the back seat then walk around the car and open your door
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Still not sure if my daughter made a dog mask at a party today or joined Slipknot.
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"just open it"
What's a tweet that's so canonical in your mind you make shorthand reference to it, even if people might not know what you're talking about? (I sometimes just say "uh oh y'all it's gettin' kinda hazy" expecting people to get it)
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Me & my bros like to call appetizers:
Apps
Appies
Appeteazers
Appuccinos
Ap Pacinos
Judd Apatowzers
Appy Fillmores
Feminine Appkins
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My favorite piece of music criticism ever was Beavis and Butt-head watching a Pavement video and saying "they need to try harder."
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Two raccoons pushed my Tiny House in the creek and I am furious.
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While driving past a tattoo shop I asked my kids what's the best tattoo parlor in the Star Wars universe (ready to wow them with TATTOOine's) and my daughter silenced me with Jar Jar Inks.
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Would you guys be like totally mad at me if you found out I was spending my lockdown flooding the international art market with impeccable Modigliani forgeries I created with supplies I bought at Michael's? Please say no.
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when you want to go in your backyard but the neighbor's mean cat is in your backyard
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@AndyRichter
My 9- and 13-yr-old love hanging out with me in public. Maybe try being a little cooler? 🏄
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See you in a few weeks when you try again. Until then, eat shit you ghouls.
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@AndyRichter
When I moved into college freshman year, my mom yelled out to the crowd of students in front of my dorm when driving away, "MAKE ONE NEW FRIEND EVERY DAY, JEFFREY!"
Don't do that.
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when your doctor says you must cut down on sweets but you sneak some Werther's Originals in your lunch bag anyway
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@MavenofHonor
I held the door for Jon Stewart at an NJ Turnpike rest stop and he said "Thanks, man."
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Worst-Selling Apples
- Red Delinquent
- Jaden Smith
- Golden Longhair
- Sad Ronald
- Travelin' Wormbury
- Smooth Jazz
- Mushland Softie
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"Cen-O-Bite!" - deleted Jimmie JJ Walker death scene from Hellraiser III
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time.
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When a friend tells you something they are excited about, follow up with a question or two and share their joy for a while instead of immediately responding with your similar experience.
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when🧀 you 🧀 add 🧀 meat 🧀 to 🧀 a 🧀grilled 🧀cheese 🧀 it's 🧀 no 🧀 longer 🧀 a 🧀 grilled 🧀 cheese
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my wife pointed out The Stone Pony has three different logos, each with a different typeface and pony icon
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What the hell went wrong, people who put their trees out on the curb the day after Christmas?
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Maybe stop bitching about your own little problems for a second and help me find out where my wife hid the goddamn Halloween candy.
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Because you watched Longmire
- Broadchurch
- Grandbroth
- Deepgirth
- Widegoth
- Largeteen
- Stoutdick
- Lutefisk
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We said goodbye to our sweet boy Winslow this morning. We were lucky enough to have this crazy, funny, bossy, potato-loving, beautiful little guy in our family for over 17 years. Despite a complete lack of training on my part, he was a very good boy who gave us a lot of love.
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Celebs sighted at
#RoyalWedding
- George & Amal Clooney
- Eddie The Eagle
- Hagrid
- Baby Spice
- Oprah
- Gilbert Gottfried
- Chumbawamba
- Vinnie Jones
- Cast of "Bones"
- Doctor Who
- Tan Mom
- Ted Travelstead
- Chappie
- Rob Halford
- Mr. Bean
- Carson Wentz
- Daphne Moon
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us: "we're depressed and anxious"
every streaming network: "here's another murder show"
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Early this evening: "It's Friday night, the possibilities for fun are endless!"
Now: "I hope the American Pickers can buy this propeller."
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Let me know if any of your dogs have learned how to talk because I've written 6 pretty good rap songs from the perspective of a rapping dog.
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Twitter Fees
Verification: $20/month
Retweet - $5
Retweet Yourself: $100
Retweet Eric Alper: $200
Temporary Halloween Name - $30
Edit a tweet - $50
Edit another user's tweet - $100
Create a Thread that doesn't pay off - $500
Tweet about leaving Twitter (but you don't) - $1000
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It's my job as a dad to walk through the house and say "it's cooling down tonight, good sleeping weather" and get absolutely no response from any family member.
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Just completed my first
#FraudStreetRun
! Fun course, thanks
@RunGoApp
for the guidance. Go Philly!
@JunkMilesShow
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Daniel Craig is done w/ Bond. Per my sources, top contenders for next 007
- Melissa McCarthy
- Kristen Wiig
- Kate McKinnon
- Leslie Jones
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my co-worker's cough level: Victorian-era family is huddled by her chair and crying as the doctor shakes his head and closes his bag
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"Hey guys, it's dad reveal time. Here's my dad." - how my daughter just introduced me to her friends
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The past three months since Winslow's passing have been pretty rough but I am overjoyed to say this bonded pair of 5-yr-old girls will be joining our family on Tuesday. Welcome home, Starr and Shelby!
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would love to see a dog sprinting out of a butcher shop with string a linked sausages in his mouth
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