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@rare_cryptid
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[Sobbing] if you only knew how sleepy I was you would NEVER make me get up
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If smoking weed makes you paranoid and anxious that's because you approached the joint with impure thoughts and a heavy karmic debt.
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We shared the same bed every night for years and now I'll never see her again
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20 minutes and a third cocktail into "girls night" at a place where the cheapest appetizer is $45, one of them says, "you can't be our waiter, you're young enough to be my son" and says "he's young enough for something" and they both howl and a hand finds its way onto your ass
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I swallowed the bear to eat the dog, I swallowed the dog to eat the worm, I swallowed the worm to feel him squirm
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This police officer accidentally ingested a teaspoon of seed oil.
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Jordan Peterson losing a debate to a vulgarian and then falling into a Victorian spiral of psychological torment, painkiller addiction, bizarre diets and traveling to a foreign land to die in a hospital bed of a wasting disease seems way too on the nose.
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@JaneOst_
It's so funny how many complaints about tabletop rpgs just boil down to "we have an asshole friend"
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In Sims 5 we MUST see hole
Controversial but with Sims 5, adult players need to be prioritised - not kids. We’re the ones with disposable income to actually invest in the franchise. Don’t make it overly childish or cute, we can handle some drama, tragedy and scandal
#Sims5
#TheSims
#ProjectRene
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This is going to piss off the MCU heads, but to me, the biggest super power is being a mom.
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Hi, it's Bernie.
I fucked up again. I just need $27 and I can get my life back together. I know I asked last month, I'm so fucking sorry and fucked up, but if I get that $27 I can take a bus to New Mexico and then I'll be out of your hair, I promise man. I'm really really sorry.
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In what world is an invading force running foot patrols through appalachia.
POV: You’re a UN/Russian/Chinese soldier on patrol in Appalachia and you’re about to discover why the saying “Paddle faster I hear banjo music” exists
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We will play this at their funeral, thank you Doug
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Sometimes I feel so much loathing for Americans it's hard to take
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My dad used to take a shit and then sit there and smoke half a pack of cigarettes. The room stank like hell, but that man was free.
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None of these fucking things have a coherent sense of space. The rim of the bowl is weird, the top half of the sandwich doesn't make sense, especially compared to the bottom half. But this is the sort of thing you'd expect from notoriously bad painter Adolf Hitler.
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We gotta do something about this Hitler guy. Sick of guys like this.
Hitler being a pedo is not discussed enough imo.
Virtually everyone he dated was a teenager. Eva Braun was 17 years old. Geli Raubal was also around 17. Maria Reiter was around 16 as well.
All known sexual relationships Hitler had started with teenagers whilst he was in his
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Most Americans would call this "gross" and "rotten" but for a ghoul, this is a delicious treat.
Just a matter of perspective.
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He had it planned down to the minute. Chilling.
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Tapeworm. Pretty cool life. Some things about it are perhaps not so good, but what can you do? It's like that everywhere.
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[dapping up a guy I vaguely know] hey man how's it going
[him] oh you know. 666. Number of the Beast.
[me] oh man, you know that's right
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Me, when my older brother or sister bring a friend over.
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Credit where credit is due: While not a good game, Assassin's Creed Valhalla has absolutely captured the pinnacle of "Anglo-Saxon Man"
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Crazy to think this used to be a person
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[My wife and children, sobbing and crying, begging me to come back, but I walk into the Science Center] I have become totally scientific. I dont believe in love, only data.
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[Guy who has never seen a saber toother tiger] 😏 Probably scariest thing me ever see is fire
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I have entered incognito mode. Everyone at the CIA are freaking out, alarms are going off, "we lost him! We lost him!"
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She's letting me do this on my birthday
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[Duolingo bird] Most people stop learning Japanese after learning this phrase!
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Placing my hand on your forehead, our flesh ripples, the microplastics in each drawn to the other, desperate, the skin bulges, tears. I was once the lid of a cottage cheese container. You were once the container itself.
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"When Mario eats the mushroom, it is not that he becomes larger, but, as the mushroom opens his true senses to the perversity of the world, it is the world which becomes smaller than Mario." - Shigeru Miyomoto
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Trip Report: just tried taking what they give Kamala every morning
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The Viet Cong were trying to steal the Constitution
On National Vietnam War Veterans Day, I salute all those who served and defended our Constitution during the Vietnam War.
They sacrificed, as did their families, on behalf of our nation – we'll always remember those we lost, honor those who came home, and recommit to bringing
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OK, breaaaathe in and out, in and out. Great. You've just breathed in thousands of my spores.
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This looks stupid, tedious and awful
[Checking nexus mod to see if there's a new, sexy shopping gf mod for 5he Walmart metaverse yet] yeah it looks like crap, nobody wants this
[Googling "Walmart metaverse can you touch her boobs"] absolute neoliberal hellworld
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@tybuddhaboy
Much more common along the Carolinas and coastal regions of Georgia, this type of evolution in the conservative woman typically requires access to "coronas" and warm beaches. Very rare in Idaho, let alone Alaska. May be an attempt at the "Boebert" neotype. More study necessary.
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One time a guy I lived with had diarrhea so bad he would bang on the wall of the bathroom and ask me to bring him a book, more water, etc.
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Explaining to the cop that I got Jesus in my heart, the good book in the glove compartment and there ain't no way I'm stopping for Satan's stop signs. I'm out of the car and telling the cop that we only got one life and its the life eternal as his service pistol barks in my hand
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What's the first thing that comes into your head when you think of Scotland? 🏴
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When I was 16 my girlfriends mom got really drunk, flopped down on the sofa next to me, put her feet in my lap, wiggled her toes and said, "so?" I tickled the bottoms of her feet and ran away as soon as she started laughing. This was the only possible response.
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Ask your barber for "The Duplicitous Friar"
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There has got to be a third option
Raise your kids to be like David Hogg, NOT Kyle Rittenhouse.
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A Honda Civic Type-R with purple underglows and tinted windows blasts its horn, your teenage daughter runs out to meet the driver and he looks like this:
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@d33jx
[Screwing up my face] a hiking trail... well, I reckon we had one of those up by the microbrewery. hahaha yeah, I imagine one of the [pepperoni flatbreads] they serve is exactly the sort of thing that might get the Angry Dog to stop defending the Sewer Entrance.
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When my child tries to speak to me in lower than flac quality audio.
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@Hegelbon
the internal negotiation that led to "hassled", which is the only way you could make this with a straight face, really does perfectly characterize what seemed to happen in every liberal/progressive brain at that point.
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A corpse in a wood, swelling and bubonic. Ask me questions and massage an answer up from my bulging belly, up through my throat, press your ear to my lips. Yes, the priest eats an unholy provender from his graveyard; yes, the burgers wife dallies with the goats. Yes, yes, yes.
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>doing a genocide
>it's not going great
>suggest using our nuclear weapons to speed things up
>forgot we're supposed to pretend we don't have nuclear weapons
Phone says I have a 3 minute voicemail from my boss
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This used to be what most Europeans looked like.
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Would be interesting to find out what the people who run these accounts do for a living.
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Aristotle has been banned from Twitch
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[Looking at glitter art in the 1st grade art show] you know that this is all sponsored by the CIA to undercut solidarity with the labor movement right?
[A woman trying to be nice] oh? Which one did your child do?
[Smugly] oh no, I don't belive in having kids I'm here to educate
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Weird how some of those words are bold
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Your dad while your mom chews you out after you forgot to wipe the family computer's browser history.
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I'm the guy with horrible deformities and a hunchback that climbs out of a black hole in the earth and brings you all the magic ore that powers your machines and you give me food to bring back to the rat men miners who call me "Father" and dream of sunlight and freedom.
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When you're being mean to me, this is who you're being mean to
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When I was a kid I played in a d&d game at the community college and the dungeon master, an adult, told us a vagina felt like a "soft, wet glove". He postponed a game bc he was "about to get laid" and then I saw him at the gamestop and he told me to smell his "stink finger"
Discovered a new type of guy tonight: jacked adult man who brags to teens at the Magic: The Gathering event about all the pussy he crushes
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Spending hours locked in a writer's room with David Cross should be considered time served. Let him walk.
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“Screenwriters” are losing their mind about this page
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⏯️ 0:45 8:52 AM
Hi, this is Donna in HR. Just noticed that you might have used your work Office 365 login to access a site called "Bing Image Creator" and generate over three hundred images of "Dianne Feinstein Marfan Syndrome" during work hours and wanted confirm this was you
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When she asks if I practice santeria or have a crystal ball
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Hanging off my tall, beautiful girlfriend's leg like a sloth.
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Bro
Queen Elizabeth II makes her first appearance at the
#PlatinumJubilee
with her cousin Prince Edward, Duke of Kent.
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Boss just sent me this. Something is happening. Spend more time with your loved ones today.
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The cow is weeping because he has become aware of the impermanence of life and, like a sudden unfurling of a flower, an intimate knowledge of the golden land of the buddha has unfolded within his heart
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Tucker must be humiliated to have taken this picture now
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Dog...
THE PHYSIOGNOMY THEORY OF REVOLUTIONARY HISTORY: I have a theory that any 5 year old can be given a better understanding of the history of revolutions than your average college student, and all you have to show them is pictures.
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This is what it's like to be a father
Me and my best friend when we go to the robot abuse factory
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[driving home in silence]
[my mother] is it because your father is dead? Is that why you would cum in your pants and humiliate the family like this? Why you would cum in your pants at the twerking contest?
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Slime
question for guys: what are u supposed to call dudes when ur flirting with them ? “prettyboy” feels too feminine and “cutie” sounds infantilizing but “handsome” sounds stupid
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Leave it to SF tech guys to see a car and a human being and think "the car is the more real, important thing here"
These people are so stupid and evil it’s unbelievable
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The seasons may change, the years may pass, but one thing will never change
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All day: Going to bed by 9 tonight
9:26pm : I'm going to eat a crunchwrap supreme tonight
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The Papa John's by your mother's house is unusually busy.
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"They exaggerated how bad it was but also they did it and, also we're looking into it."
If a child told you this, you know what you'd think.
BREAKING: 🇮🇱 IDF spokesman says an investigation has been opened into the bombing of Al-Ahli Baptist Hospital, adding that Islamic Jihad is responsible and death tolls were exaggerated.
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This country is such a nightmare.
With just over 20 days until Inauguration Day, there’s never been a better time to stock up on
@BidenInaugural
gear. Head to to find everything you need.
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I eat a huge bowl of these for breakfast every morning
The smallest bird in the world is the Zunzunito, also know as the bee bird.
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👇nasty little freak wants pics
If you work for Amazon and have any info about its workers peeing in bottles, text me at 202-510-1268. My DM is also open
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Something beautiful about the way people treat cops in this country and then someone just sneaks up on a sniper.
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"Did you know that butterflies can live even if you remove their wings?"
For all its very real problems, one shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that the contemporary United States of America is one of the best places to live in all of human history and there’s a reason tons of people of all kinds from all around the world clamor to move here.
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Start regularly recording your parents, elders and loved ones. With enough transcript data, new voice synthesis and video models, there is a 100% chance that they will live with you forever after leaving physical body. This should be even possible by end of the year.
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Well now, a pretty little Wood Elf. You're a little far from the forest, huh? Looks like your days of woodland frolicking have come to a tragic end.
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Imagine if the attacker had huge boobs and they kept getting in the way when they tried to swing the knife.
Imagine if today's Capitol attacker had gotten out of his car not with a knife but with an AR-15.
Imagine the police death toll. Just imagine.
#guncontrol
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Very into the person who sits through a whole lord of the rings movie and is like, "this is some weird shit. Very bizarre."
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Tweet: I am a disgusting little worm, I am covered in ooze and I have never seen the sun. I hope a bird comes and bites me in half.
QRT: oh my god, this is us [tags a woman who appears to work in acquisitions for Citibank]
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Pat Tilman would have loved this quesadilla I just made...
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You could take every person who has posted this, lock them in a room, pump all the oxygen out, come back a day later, open the door and they'd all turn and look at you and smile and ask if there's a good coworking space nearby.
This video showing the evolution of art through history is hands down one of the best things I've seen yet from Artificial Intelligence.
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