Moti Black (She/her) 🏳️🌈🏴
@motiblackart
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#Autistic : Late/Self ID Author and artist Trans Rights Matter Anti-Racist Left Wing No DMs
Fife, Scotland
Joined February 2009
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A shy monthly reminder that I also wrote a book with an Autistic main character. If you like fantasy books, a bit of music, and a whole lot of drama, please check it out on Amazon. (links in bio). 🥹🙂
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Sometimes (often) people really don't get it when you try to explain the Autistic problem of being disliked almost immediately by so many people. You get the response that you can't force someone to like you/be your friend, no one gets that luxury. But no. It's not about that 1/7
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It's about as a kid going through periods of your life (in my case years) with NO friends. Being forced to swap places with people, as no one wants to sit next to you, not having a place to go during breaks, getting in trouble with teachers for not playing with your friends 2/7
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As an Autistic person, I find having a clean tidy environment calming and essential for my mental health. I'm also completely incapable of keeping on top of the cleaning/tidying.
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Learning you have to accept abuse to be included and then growing up to think abusive relationships are normal, (as a woman) thinking sex is the only thing a partner is interested in and that is all you can expect, not having a safety network of friends or any reference 3/7
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So, no. It is not about forcing that one person to be my friend when they don't want to be my friend. Stop making it about my irrational need to control the emotions of that one person and actually listen to what Autistic people are saying about our lives. 7/7
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of what abusive relationships are and what you can say no to. It's being rejected at interviews over and over and being called lazy. It's finally getting the job and working so hard, but you become the target for 'harmless' office jokes, and before long you're 4/7
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I'm an Autistic person, but I struggle to 'info dump' on people. I was told 'I don't care', 'shut up', etc. too many times when I was an excited young person. Now my special interests are for me alone...
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sidelined, people are taking credit for your work, and you're out of work again, burnt out, and facing a cycle of rejections all over again. It's being followed around stores by security, it's being accused of lying when you're telling the truth, it's extreme loneliness 5/7
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It's fragile, if any financial independence, it's no social network or safety net, it's extreme feelings of depression or worse, it's the chip chip chip of a lifetime of everyone of everything. 6/7
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I'm starting to think schools are just cPTSD factories for Autistic kids.
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Not telling a child they have been diagnosed with Autism/not diagnosing someone with Autism, because of the 'stigma' thereby contributing to said stigma and preventing that person getting answers, understanding, seeking out peers, raising awareness etc.
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Before I understood what Autism really was, I thought meltdowns and shutdowns were types of migraines, as when they hit, I needed to get alone in a dark space and reduce stimuli to recover. And people were understanding. Call them a meltdown, and they react differently.
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Autistic lesson in communicating with allistics number 327: Pointing out you meant exactly what you said, not what was read into it, apparently is implying a whole load more things you didn't say and will get you into further trouble.
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"If I'd known you were Autistic, I wouldn't have treated you like that..."
You knew I was a person, right?
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I hate the fact that Autistic traits of untypical eye contact/eye movements, fidgeting, etc. are the things people are taught to look for to identify shoplifters. I would never shoplift, but I'm always followed around stores by security. Over time, it stopped me going in shops.
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Since I found out I was Autistic, I've stopped instantly apologising when someone takes what I say the wrong way, and instead point out that the literal words I said (usually typed) are not offensive. Apparently this is offensive to say. They want the grovelling and drama.
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I always thought this was a me thing, but now I've met two other Autistic women who describe the same events happening to them.
1) We use up a LOT of spoons to stand up for ourselves and explain a situation is stressful/harmful/not working for us.
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Before I knew I was Autistic, I used to feel guilty when people were holding protests and said if you didn't hit the streets, you didn't care about the issue. The thought of marching and travelling to attend overwhelmed me. Now I see the ableism in that pressure to 'be seen'.
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Today's conversation:
Person 1: "People don't dislike people for no reason."
Me: "Clearly you aren't Autistic."
Autistic people know this from their lived experience & research backs up what we experience: that many Allistic people dislike Autistic people almost immediately.
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Times I've been misunderstood as an Autistic person:
It was assumed I had no personality (because I didn't feel safe enough to open up).
It was assumed I didn't mind the bad treatment (because it didn't feel safe to defend myself).
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Being Autistic can be like: someone makes a joke at your expense. To them it's a one off thing, you shouldn't be upset, you're overreacting. But it's not a one off thing to you. It's a pile on of people throughout your life. So when you react, it's reacting to 1000 'jokes'.
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As an Autistic person I never understood cutting the tag out of your clothes. If you cut the tag, what do you get? Two razor sharp knives at either side of the label! What you do is go in to the seam with precision scissors and tweezers and remove every last thread of that label.
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Learning about how society treats Autistic people has helped me understand the obsession younger me had with 'chosen one' stories like Buffy, or the feeling that I would only be accepted if I was really good at something. It was a reaction to the constant inexplicable rejection.
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Thinking back on my life and all those months (years?) I wasted filling out job applications, precisely, accurately, to the letter. Now I hear people from HR departments leak that they actively look out for Autistic traits so they can eliminate those people. I feel so gullible.
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Living as an undiagnosed Autistic person is like walking around with a sign saying 'Kick Me' taped to your back.
Finding out you're Autistic means you learn the sign is there and why everyone keeps laughing at you and kicking you.
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Having learned more about Autism, looking back I can see how little me was a bit annoying and different. What I don't understand is why those around me thought it was okay to bully me to the point where I was su*cidal.
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The thing that bothered me the most was that it was always 'you're the only one who thinks this way/has a problem. No one else thinks like you, why are YOU causing trouble.' Then BAM I find all the other Autistic people who had been told the same.
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The non-autistic intervention when they suggest you shouldn't spend so much time around other Autistic people because you'll forget how to act around normal people. I think they scored an own goal there.
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The Autistic experience of life is often being told that almost everything about you is wrong, your behaviour constantly 'corrected', your experiences denied or brushed off, bullying etc. And then being told your depression is in your head because life isn't that bad.
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My Autistic super-curse of going into a social situation and observing in real time as I mess it up, totally conscious of everything, but unable to somehow say the right thing at the right time, in the right way, with the right mannerisms. And also remember every detail later.
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It's amazing how many late discovered Autistic people I've spoken to who went through a phase of their life when they really had no clue who they really were. Too much heavy masking, being forced into roles, surviving... conflicting with needing to know who our authentic self is.
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Part of my Autistic journey is learning to say 'If the celebration is about me, can I please do something low key that I will actually enjoy?'
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When I first found out I was Autistic and came to the Autistic community here, I saw someone tweet something along the lines of 'So you've just found out you're Autistic, get ready to lose most of your friends.' I thought nah, my friends aren't like that. 2 yrs later and 😢
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People who receive Autism diagnoses were Autistic before their diagnosis.
Not everyone has access to health care/can afford a diagnosis.
Sometimes diagnoses can have negative repercussions, so are not in everyone's interests.
It's not a competition.
Self dx is valid.
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Being Autistic is regularly having people say "Oh I didn't think you were the kind of person who'd like: to see photos of my cat that I showed everyone in the room except you/to be invited to X with everyone else/be included in the meeting to discuss things that will affect you."
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They say to really know a person's character, see how they treat people in service positions. I'd add to that, put them in a room with an Autistic person and tell them they're not being observed, as some people really act differently around Autistic people, but no one believes it
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As an Autistic person, I hate funerals. I hate having to process my grief in a public space, trying to work out the correct expression to wear, even managing to walk where I'm supposed to at what time baffles me. And I really honestly don't want one for myself.
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I really don't understand people who want special consideration because they were nasty to me before they knew I was Autistic. They were still nasty to me. Their concerns of how it 'looks' now they have new information is not going to change that.
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You've heard of Same-Food-Autistics, I present to you Same-Bra-Autistics! I just hope they never stop making them.
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2) We are listened to, and then pretty much nothing changes.
3) We try again.
4) Now the person is irritated.
5) Nothing changes, or it gets a lot worse.
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Being Autistic is getting in trouble for saying "I will obey the instructions of, and perform the requisite social niceties towards, said person arbitrarily placed in the hierarchy, but I won't 'respect' them unless their actions/behaviour warrant such regard."
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I don't think anyone who is not Autistic can ever understand the profound revelation, shock, turmoil, embrace, kick-in-the-head, release, and importance of finding out you are Autistic, especially later in life. (Self realised or officially diagnosed.)
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6) We plan to silent quit, work out the escape route, keep our heads down. Maybe even tell the person we are planning to leave, but are not believed.
7) We leave, and it seems out of the blue to the other person/people/organisation. We're accused of melodrama, and are asked...
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Quick tip: When someone tells you've they've just found out they're Autistic, try leading with things like, I am aware I don't know everything about Autism, I know it's very varied, what would you like to share with me? And not, my 3 y/o nephew is also Autistic, I read that
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Advice to Autistic people often be like: just keep showing up, smile, be nice, let everyone exploit you, but don't grumble about it, if they kick you, it'll toughen you up and that's a good thing, make sure your existence doesn't drain anyone's finances, and try not to be weird.
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Before I found out I was Autistic, my life was an inexplicable disaster & I was surrounded by pity & blame for squandering my potential. Then I found out I was Autistic, and my life was still a disaster, but less inexplicable and I found other people going through the same thing.
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Finding out you are Autistic and that many people have an unconscious prejudice against Autistic people is the difference between hating yourself and thinking there's something so wrong with yourself, and realising many people are *sshats then going to find people like you.
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The problem I had as an Autistic child who took things quite literally, was when an adult said they thought I could "never do" something, I believed them, assuming they had access to information I didn't have. As it turned out, they were wrong and opinionated.
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Trying to convince someone that if I want to recover from a stressful few weeks, staying at home and pottering around is more effective for me as an Autistic person, than going away on holiday somewhere I don't know. I don't think they can understand.
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If it really was such a big deal, why didn't you say anything?
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The Autistic talent of 'conveniently' disappearing from lists. Teacher: 'I did put your name down, but it must have got lost somewhere. Don't worry, there'll be other trips.' or 'Looks like another kid crossed your name out. You can help out with the next school play.'
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If I need time to recover after a social event, it's not a complaint about your company. It's because I'm Autistic.
If the noise is getting too loud and I'm struggling, it's not about you. It's because I'm Autistic.
Please just give me space to recover. It's not about you.
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Finding out I was Autistic meant I could learn about and how to function/live with all those issues I was told for the last 40 years didn't exist because people didn't experience the world that way. (Monotropism, Auditory Processing Delays, sensory issues, thin slice judgements).
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When I was in school I'd sit in the corner & read because the other kids didn't like little Autistic me & were mean. I wanted friends, but not with people who didn't like me. I was pulled to one side, told I was the problem and action would be taken if I didn't make more effort.
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I do not make Autism my whole personality. I also have my Special Interests, songs I can listen to on repeat for days, my best friend (who happens to be a cat), my shiny rock collection, my comfort shows, and a big black shadow ball of trauma I try to keep locked in the cupboard.
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So many times throughout my life, my eagerness to please, my desperation to belong, my Autistic ways, were interpreted as arrogance, wanting to usurp other people from their roles, a desire to be seen as superior, when all I wanted was to exist on the bottom rung and be accepted.
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~.~ An Autistic Blessing ~.~
May your friends be neurodivergent and your special interests inexpensive and fulfilling.
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When an Autistic person tries to explain the way people react to them when they first meet them and your reaction is 'that doesn't happen, you must be mistaken.' You are denying that person's lifelong experiences, calling them a liar, and pointing out that people like you more.
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If you find a person irritating because of their Autistic characteristics, that's a you problem, not a them problem.
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You can't win. Society constantly tells Autistic people they need to correct their behaviour, act more like neurotypical people etc. Then they learn about 'masking' and make a big thing about how deceitful Autistic people are.
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One of the hardest lessons for me to unlearn when I was young was to NOT to act like the other kids, because, dear adult, even your favourite little angel treated the Autistic kid horrendously when you turned your back. And that was often the behaviour you saw me mirroring.
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As an Autistic person, I've pretty much given up on clubs and societies. I'm not paying and giving my time to feel like an outsider, to work on tasks in the background for someone else to take the credit, to be forgotten until there's a task no one else wants to do...
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Sometimes writing is the only way Autistic people can speak up for themselves. Being confident and articulate in the moment of attack is not always possible. Writing about it 10 years later, however, is doable.
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The Autistic curse of being able to do something once, and it being seen as evidence that you can do it, you're just willfully being stubborn when it's overwhelming at another time. And that is the argument you're having with yourself as well as others.
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Things that have been most beneficial to my mental health:
1) Some kind of financial security.
2) Finding other Autistic people.
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I hate the sayings
'Everything happens for a reason.'
'You never get more than you can cope with.'
'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'
Life is cruel and unfair. Innocents suffer. And there is no great karmic rebalancing whilst we're drawing breath.
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The Autistic experience of constantly being told that what you experience does not happen, that you're lying or mistaken, that because what happens to you in your daily life isn't the same as what someone else experiences, you must be WRONG.
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Autistic people need people too. We need support networks, we need safety nets, we need friends. But these are so much harder to find and maintain for us. This is why finding each other is so important.
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@LostMyInhaler
😢Yes! So much projection! Being told all the time that we're jealous when we're not, that we're sexually attracted to someone when we're not, that we want to be the best, when we just want to be accepted. And if you complain, they think that's evidence 'they hit a nerve'.
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Really saddened today to see some Autistic people unable to extend sympathy to a grieving Autistic person who was hyper fixating on a special interest as a coping mechanism. Okay, it doesn't interest you, but at least be polite and kind. 😢
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Some people (and organisations) think they're so cool and down with equality and diversity... until it comes to Autistic people, then it's like 'can you be weird elsewhere, I'm trying to be inclusive here?'
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I am Autistic. I may not react immediately to something, or for a while, or outwardly for show, or emote how you want. I may want to check details which may seem irrelevant to you, or get caught up in the wrong info. I like to double check my facts. That doesn't mean I don't care
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It's probably more the trauma than the Autism, but when someone upsets me, my first response is to tell them it's fine/okay. Then I go quiet.
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Looking back at my life, I don't regret where I failed because I was Autistic, I regret where I attempted to appear like everyone else to succeed, as that usually went against what was good for my health or my moral compass (often both.)
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I used to find it confusing why so many people would tell me what I was thinking and my secret motivations... and usually get it so wrong. Now I know that most non-Autistic people really don't understand Autism AT ALL, but sure do love to project.
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Recapturing Autistic joy is hard. There are always memories lurking in the back of my mind of people telling me how annoying I am when I laugh like that, how it's not normal to like listening to one song so much, how I should put my book down & go and be social like normal people
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I've learned more about Allistic people since I've been hanging about with the Autistic community than in 40 years of trying to fit in. Why couldn't they just bloody well explain all of their weird games from the start?!
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When I first started looking into whether I was Autistic, all the officially material I got my hands on said, Autistic people don't feel empathy, Autistic people have hyper male brains, Autistic people are children. I nearly stopped. If you are at that stage, please don't stop.
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I spent most of my life being told to be more neurotypical in order to succeed. Now I realise that success will never be an option, I fully embrace my Autistic side and will stim, seek out Autistic joy, embrace my neurokin (online), hyperfocus, and dive into my special interests.
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All my life I found it so frustrating when people didn't believe, brushed off, or 'didn't hear' me when I said: I am leaving, you need to find a replacement, this is killing me/making me ill, this can't go on, etc. Now I see other Autistic people describing the same thing.
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Because of a combination of Autistic masking, trauma related people pleasing, and processing delays, people often mistake me for being weak willed, pliable, passive etc. when in reality I'm opinionated, stubborn, pig-headed etc.
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@PrecariousBoul1
😢Yes. They always did. Sometimes by choice, often by being bullied until they moved away. I am sorry you had the same experience. Thankfully I find after 40, I had better luck, or people are nicer. Also finding other Autistic people helped no end.
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Once you start Autistic unmasking, it is so hard to go back, knowing the pain is avoidable, and the performance that hurts you is required only because society is prejudiced against Autistic people.
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Me as a pattern recognising Autistic child, noticing how the rules applied differently to the kids depending on how much the teachers liked them, how achievement prize motivations were fixed, how often my work was 'lost' to the bottom of the pile.
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As an Autistic person... I bet after those four words, the vast majority of non-Autistic people will read the rest of the tweet with a high level of prejudice and bias, and will react completely differently than if I cut those four words out.
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Me: explains about auditory processing issues, how I struggle with spoken communication, and how it is very tiring.
Other person: increasingly sends voice notes instead of text because it's easier for her.
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Please let Autistic people lead, or at least be involved with, the design of services for Autistic people.
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My experience of telling long term friends/acquaintances that I'm Autistic has pretty much shown me that people are more likely to change their opinion of the person based on this new information than look at their preconceptions of Autism.
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Put an NT kid into a society/school that is designed for Autistic people, surround them with ND people, bully them, tell them they need to suppress who they are and have to learn to live with extreme discomfort. THEN you will see how traumatic a non-neuro-affirming environment is
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Thinking back to my worst ever Autistic burnout. I didn't know what it was or if it would end. I could barely get out of bed, cried all the time and felt so guilty. People around me were annoyed or worried, as they didn't know how to help. I felt they thought I was lazy or faking
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Being Autistic online be like: find people who understand you for the first time in your life. Share things, help each other, feel supported in a way you never knew was possible... And then someone barges in and tells you you're all fakers and to disperse.
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Me trying to talk to someone: Petrified, anxiety super high, brain whirring at 100 mph, overwhelmed, struggling to stay verbal, remembering past interactions that have gone badly etc.
Them: She's rude, hostile, arrogant.
Also them: Autistic people don't read emotions well.
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I get it, Autism is complex, varies from person to person, is tied up with misconceptions etc. So why can't people assume they know very little when they meet a new Autistic person, rather than they know everything?
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'Just be yourself and people will like you.'
So many times people would say this to me when I was being myself. What they thought was, if they could make me relax, my Autistic self would disappear and they could like me better.
Turns out I didn't need their approval.
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If your Autistic friend is quiet and reticent to open up to you, or very eager to please, that does not mean they are a blank slate for you to project who you want them to be on to. And you certainly should not get angry when it turns out they aren't who you want them to be.
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If your Special Interest brings you joy, that's enough. You don't have to be an expert in it, you don't have to perform the role of 'Autistic Supercomputer' and regurgitate facts on demand. Share your joy how you want, whether that be info dumping or quietly reading in the corner
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Simple task = 🥄
Simple task if someone is watching me = 🥄🥄
Simple task if I know the slightest bit of officialdom/my future/existential existence depends on the outcome = 🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄😭🔥
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What I really wish younger me had, was an Autistic elder to explain things to me, someone with lived experience and genuine understanding who could tell me why things were the way they were, not someone to tell me I was a problem and I needed to conform or shut up.
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Growing up an undiagnosed Autistic person, I 'learned' that I had negative social capital. In my 40s, I found out I was Autistic, and started to unlearn that perceived deficit. Autistic people exist in society too, and they have real value.
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Unless you've actually lived an Autistic existence, don't tell an Autistic person that 'people don't treat other people like that, you must be imagining it.'
Yep, even that lady you really respect can be a right cow when she's talking to someone she thinks has 'no value'.
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