Keeley Hazell
@keeleyhazellLOL
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34,548
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Writer and actor Represented by: Gersh Instagram: keeleyhazell
Joined May 2013
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At this age, being semi-naked on the internet can be quite burdensome but I can’t wait until I’m 80 and my grandkids ask me what I looked like when I was younger. I’m going be like, “Google me you little bitches, grandma was a fucking babe with gravity defying tits.”
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There is one thing the U.K government could do right now that would make this whole situation better... legalize weed. Yep, I said it.
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This photo is so old the hairbrush wasn't even invented.
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GET NAKED! Do that Playboy cover shoot because right now your boobs are perky and everything is tight, and trust me - as your older self, you’ll NEVER look that good naked again. Oh... and stop smoking and start taking mushrooms and dump that loser boyfriend you have. Thank you.
If you could go back and talk to your 18 year old self, what would you tell him/her?
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Let’s remember that the people who work in supermarkets are also key workers in this pandemic, they’re risking their health and potentially their lives so people can wipe their arse’s and eat pasta. Let’s show them some respect please.
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I don’t understand people who pay to go to escape rooms, have they not been to Ikea?!
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This photo is on my desktop for no reason and it's causing me to have a pink fit.
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I like to call this the smeared camera filter. Easily achieved when you have a smeared, unclean iPhone.
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Apparently I look a lot like glamour model Keeley Hazell?! I just don’t see it.
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Sooo I’ve done everything there is to do in a time of crisis - I’ve eaten my body weight in food and text all of my exes.
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My dad is a locksmith and is at home right now when he should be at work! Does he not understand that he is a ‘key worker’?!
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The pressure is real yo.
Mum: I'm the only person I know who doesn't have grandkids, can't you just have a baby with a random guy?
Me: OH MY GOD! NO!!
Mum: Why are you being so selfish? GIVE ME A GRANDCHILD!
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I have been smiling so much lately because I'm so happy that no guy has been able to yell out of his van window and tell me to smile.
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God I wish I was a divorce attorney right now, I'd be chilling on sofa eating snacks and thinking let's just keep this lockdown going a little bit longer.
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When I was eight my parents took me to hospital because they thought I had spine disease. So that’s my back story.
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I’m ready to enter eating competitions when this thing is over.
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I finally understand what supporting a sports team must feel like
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I think that we should all be quarantined, the internet should be shut down and the government should supply us with mushrooms.
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It’s the most... wonder-weirdest-worse time of the year...
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We don’t need Shakespeare anymore, for we create and play out the tragedies with a click of our thumbs.
#RIPCaroline
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I mean, let's just make Donald Trump president and start world war 3.
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Man: Keeley, it was lovely meeting you, I’m pleasantly surprised.
Me: By?
Man: Well, you know.
Me: No…
Man: You know.
Me: Oh, because I'm not just a dumb arse bimbo who's only existence on the planet is to exploit my sexuality for men?
Man: Yeah.
Me: Cool, nice meeting you!
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COVID-19 silver lining? Usually for Mother’s Day, my mother writes a list of all the Michelin-star restaurants she wants to go to. This year, I got her some loo roll and honestly, I’ve never seen her happier.
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Just realized I still have access to my exes home thermostat, oh boy, things are about to get heated.
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Your pornstar name is your best friends first name and your best friends last name.
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10 years ago today, I wrote down what today (March 27, 2020) would look like in my life. Weeelllll... it’s entertaining but doesn’t mention anything about me talking to myself and snorting cacao to see if it gets you high.
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The best way to stay humble is to not wear any deodorant, after a few hours you realize how much you fucking stink.
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“
@rdgwrites
: Can we just all agree to let
@keeleyscorner
be our world queen and rule the earth ” I agree
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When you've watched all the episodes of the show you like on Netflix and don't want to wait for the next season.
http://t.co/pfagvfH8qS
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I’m so sad that Game of Thrones is over, not because I watched it, but because I enjoyed trying to get people to explain it to me.
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Turns out, I’ve been suspended from
@instagram
because my content is too “sexually suggestive,” I mean, I really am suggesting far too much in these photos. Should have been banned ages ago.
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Thinking about creating an alter ego character that's an "influencer" but a bad influencer who only does promotions for cigarette, alcohol and drug companies.
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I’m sorry, Emily In Paris - a show that is so bad it deserves its own genre (it’s so bad, it’s bad, it’s just no) got nominated for a Golden Globe?? I mean, I know it’s been a rough year but wtf?! Where is I May Destroy You? Where is I Hate Suzie? And where is my fucking tequila?
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Remember when a dystopian future was just confined to movies and literature?! That was nice.
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Second that.
"If you can't take a woman seriously because you've seen her body, that's on you"
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My neighbour just started banging loudly on the wall and I genuinely think it’s because she was applauding my 7am reenactment of A Star Is Born.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone said the words “pleasantly surprised’ after meeting me, I’d literally be Bill Gates.
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“Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.” - Nora Ephron
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What did we talk about before coronavirus? Trump? Okay continue.
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I've finally reached the stage where I miss other people's sweat accidentally dripping on me in yoga.
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Thank you for all the birthday wishes, I feel very grateful and blessed. ❤️
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In case you didn't see it...
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Why do English people always say, “To be fair,” or “To be honest,” before saying anything like they weren’t going to be fair or honest.
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You know you’ve changed when your friends are like, “Shall we go do Yoga Friday night? And maybe a sound bath?” Instead of, “Shall we go to the Weatherspoons on Friday, down 4 Vodka Red Bull’s, do a line and snog a stranger?”
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This is a joke btw I would never heat his house up, I prefer to play it ‘cool.’
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Friends: "Are you isolating alone?"
Me: "No, this week I spent time with Tara Westover, Trevor Noah, Lori Gottlieb, and these two Irish kids called Marianne and Connell."
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What's everyone doing tonight? Every event has canceled on me.
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I keep thinking about the guys who hold signs saying “free hugs,” and whether they’ve all come together and started a terrorist group where they hug people on their ‘1 hour per day exercise.’
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Do you reckon a whole nation of girls just woke up one day and said, “You know what, I want to be a duck”?
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“If you were to pick yourself apart with tweezers, one atom at a time, you would produce a mound of fine atomic dust, none of which had ever been alive but all of which had once been you.” -Bill Bryson, A Short History of Nearly Everything
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As of last night I’m back on Instagram! My right thumb is ecstatic.
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I want to be able to read French so I can read this book in its original language. It is magnifique. It transcends its genre. It is disturbing and powerful.
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First day of filming. Everyone said I look liked Audrey Hepburn.
#Winning
(Personally I think I look like a boy).
http://t.co/jF2dvrFgjG
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My previous tweet goes to show that either A) I'm an undiscovered poet or B) I need more therapy.
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Of course I had my photo taken next to a beam that says "I ❤️ dildos" and didn't realize.
#thatsthekindofshitido
http://t.co/bU7icplrLr
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Soooo TSA grabbed my stuff and took me into a room because they thought I was carrying a lethal weapon... turns out it was just my left hip bone.
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"We have become a society of self-proclaimed public figures." - Keeley Hazell, Public Figure.
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I love it when 20-year-olds say, "Thirty-two is a really good age." I'm like, "Reaaaaalllllllly,"
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I've been suspended from
@instagram
!! I don't know why, all I know is that my right thumb feels very lost and just keeps moving on it's own!
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“The true profession of man is to find his way to himself.” - Herman Hesse
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A blurb from my old diary: My stance on life at twenty-one is everything is illogical. The world that surrounds me is a tornado of fallacy and stand in the mist seemingly looking put together but feeling like the 101 piece of a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle.
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Wow, Blackkklansman is brilliant! What an incredible story and Ron Stallworth is a legend. Highly recommend watching if you haven’t already!
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Just opened the gate of my building for 6 SWAT officers to find a man who shot an officer on my street this morning! STOP WITH THE GUNS USA!
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Knew I should have been a divorce attorney.
The pandemic is changing the way people navigate relationships, dating and sex. Divorce rates have reportedly soared in China, while single people globally are finding new ways to date while practicing social distancing.
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