Jose Arroyo
@josearroyowrite
Followers
7,290
Following
1,107
Media
229
Statuses
4,838
2-time Emmy Award-winning comedy writer PLUS 2022 Writers Guild Award for CONAN. My comic “Somewhere In LA” is available on Amazon
L.A.
Joined September 2010
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
PAVILLON DES FOLIES X SAROCHA
• 200779 Tweets
#PavillonDesFoliesxFREEN
• 191497 Tweets
#光る君へ
• 88178 Tweets
BEAUTIFUL FRAGRANCE WITH BUILD
• 66312 Tweets
#せっかくグルメ
• 50727 Tweets
MV TEASER JACK AND JOKER
• 38902 Tweets
#デコピン日村
• 31982 Tweets
John Kerry
• 31782 Tweets
ジャック
• 29065 Tweets
イッテQ
• 25575 Tweets
インライ
• 24375 Tweets
モンスト
• 21074 Tweets
獣神化改
• 14384 Tweets
ツイステ
• 13918 Tweets
ジャミル
• 12624 Tweets
村上誠一郎
• 11973 Tweets
#amici24
• 11095 Tweets
勝平さん
• 10859 Tweets
Happy Birthday Daniel
• 10062 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
Grandma's house always smelled of Ginger and Cinnamon, her two filthy cats.
9
93
550
I’m located at the end of your large intestine and I occasionally expel solid waste. AITA?
5
24
370
Until they withdraw their troops, it’s just regular roulette for me.
6
20
259
What a “tada!” to wrap up our writing careers at Conan! Thank you
@WGAWest
and hugs to
@amdubouchet
@MattOBrien2
Mike Sweeney
@croninwhocares
@levimacdougall
@skyler_higley
@boozan
@anylaurie16
@jessiestwats
@toddlevin
@ConanOBrien
@YAMAdrama
14
10
221
I just saw a man pulling a red wagon on top of which was a large pillow, on top of which was a very old dog. He was pulling it slowly and letting his friend enjoy the sun and smells, in case you're wondering why my heart just opened like a time lapse film of a crocus
4
19
189
If I was Prince William, I’d have a needlepoint pillow that said “A Man’s Castle Is His Home” so people would know I had a sense of humor about my random birth into incalculable wealth.
1
4
198
Is it me or are we being asked to get over stuff more quickly than ever?
1
31
190
Live every day as if inspirational mottos could change a thing.
2
289
187
The only reason to lift weights now is so you can lift Le Creuset pans in your 80s
4
10
169
The stock answer is:
“It’s now the Mash/It’s now the Monster Mash,” but ‘Whatever happened to The Transylvania Twist?’ is in fact a story of music industry greed, ambition, addiction, and egos. In this 13-part podcast I will…
#MonsterMash
#halloween2021
8
23
161
Buster Keaton is one of my idols.
4
24
147
I sleep Winnie the Pooh style: just a tee shirt and no genitals
1
7
135
🎄
Hugs to the B-list ornaments on the side of the tree facing the wall
1
11
113
Every day I swing wildly between “I’m worthless” and “Will historians put bronze plaques on every place I lived?”
3
6
104
Late Night w/Conan O’Brien had a segment called “Secrets” where celebrities “confessed” intimate things. Which explains why there’s footage of Sir Michael Caine saying, “I’m tattooed from neck to nuts!”
9
2
101
At my funeral I want my body to be placed on top of the closed casket with a little sign, "He loved Snoopy."
1
71
96
What if Romney wins the presidency and then finds a guy in China who'll do it for less?
4
199
100
I put down my thoughts on Conan’s TBS show ending (and what I want to do now) on my first-ever blog post:
17
5
100
I just made my goal weight my current weight and I feel 1000% better
0
8
98
Don't be so quick to judge! That "loser" at Taco Bell may know dozens of bird calls.
2
50
94
It’s never too late. I didn’t write my first unsold screenplay until I was in my 40s.
2
2
93
“The Power Of The Dog” featured beautiful, spare, sweeping landscapes. You owe it to yourself to flip your phone horizontally.
1
8
88
"Do I detect a kiss of fennel in these potatoes?" I ask the server with a wink. The honking behind me at the drive-thru gets more insistent.
0
25
84
Thinking and praying about making a sandwich and so far no sandwich.
5
15
85
Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
2
45
82
@kevinlieber
@ConanOBrien
Hey, I remember you. Even as an intern you had an oblong sense of humor, Kevin. I’m glad you found a way to share it with millions. Somewhere I have a T-shirt you made featuring a potato wearing a mayor’s sash.
2
1
78
Has anyone "talked to the hand" lately? I'm starting to get worried.
2
70
79
If Satan is real, why does he let so many good things happen?
2
42
77
Hi everyone. I wrote and drew this comic book about Los Angeles. 24 separate images and captions, one for each hour of the day. I would love to know what you think of it. You can get a copy here
4
7
78
Jack Bauer levels of tension here with 4 avocados getting ripe at the same time
5
1
74
A comedy writer is someone who wishes they could go back & punch up the quip they wrote on a coworker’s birthday card 12 years ago
5
3
72
Used the bathroom air drier until my hands were *completely* dry and missed my daughter's wedding
5
9
69
After reading 14 books on how to write a sitcom pilot, I feel I’m finally ready to read another one.
2
1
66
...Sometimes when I peel a sticker off an apple, I pretend I'm giving it a bikini wax and I whisper "Have fun this weekend."
1
13
65
If 18th century Irish folk singers did Improv: "Okay, I need the name of a lass, and a very sad way to die."
1
79
59
In case you were wondering, here's what we're all fake-laughing at:
(From
#SWJ2
)
http://t.co/0ToKgrbBua
1
21
59
I feel bad for the guy who got cut off for talking too long but in all fairness, you were given a set amount of time to talk and if you can'
2
69
62
A shot of the fugitive SeaWorld orca from Conan's first San Diego show.
#ConanCon
http://t.co/0VFEVDdfmb
1
28
58
A real writer would rather tell you their ATM pin number than let you read their drafts folder
5
1
65
This fucking idiot just turned my stomach. The LAPD spokesman just said if you stole a mobile phone you’re *just* as culpable in the death of George Floyd as the officer who choked the life out of him!
1
6
63
When this is over, the first thing I’m going to do is have sex with a restaurant.
3
2
62
Hey sushi, relax. You don't have to be Crazy or Rockin'. Just be sushi.
3
136
56
By the time I found a safe place to set down my glasses, the orgy was over.
1
25
59
This fake cellphone conversation is sponsored by Those Guys On The Sidewalk Up Ahead Holding Clipboards.
1
27
59
Have you ever been so bored and lonely you opened an email from Banana Republic?
5
29
53
2
13
56
Cool. They put a GoPro on a Covid spore
0
6
56
There are lots of belly laughs in this one. Watch tonight!
#ConanAustralia
0
2
57
Here are all 10 “Life with Covid” comic strips in an easy-to-read-and-retweet thread. Thanks for suggesting I do this,
@anylaurie16
Day 1
1
14
57
“Absolutely settle for second-best. Are you kidding me? It’s the second best!”
(Why I’m not asked to give graduation speeches)
0
5
54
"Rake a ricture, rit'll rast ronger." (Scooby Doo to guy watching him lick his balls.)
0
40
53
In 3 years I will have been playing piano at the two-year level for 7 years
4
0
50
Insulin should be free.
Why is charging $50 for a $6 case of water during a hurricane considered price gouging, but charging $700 for a $5 vial of insulin is considered health care?
886
25K
113K
2
3
52
I guess Ashton made a faux pas about Jaux Pas!...(I die of old age with hand raised in a high five position)
1
13
49
A new blog post about the fear of leaving Conan’s writing stable and the right attitude to have about it
2
6
50
In Hell, my upstairs neighbors will live below themselves.
0
5
48
Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims. Our laws and politicians are with the shooters.
2
50
46
@SaraJBenincasa
Thank you, Sarah. Amazing thread! In his home in DC, my ex father-in-law had a withered tangerine encased in Lucite. When I asked him about it, he said, “I saw Ms Josephine Baker perform, and at one point she tossed fruit into the crowd. That tangerine was touched by her!”
0
2
48
We had a fire drill in our building and I pointed to the people pouring out of the exits and said, “Looks like the building had some bad clams!”
I said it loudly and several times. This was 9 days ago and no laughs yet.
4
0
49
The worst thing about wearing that wrestling singlet in high school was not being on the wrestling team.
0
0
49
(At the Santa Monica city council microphone)
“Hi, I think
@melissavcomedy
should try out for the job to replace James Corden on The Late Late Show?She’s not at SNL anymore, so no conflict there—I know it’s irrelevant to the measure under consideration, but just think about it.”
4
2
49
Life is like an improv show that goes on and on but you can't sneak out because all your friends are in it.
1
17
45
Still makes me laugh. Hangs in stairwell @ Conan offices. Brian McCann
@McTweetalicious
as a d-bag from the 1800s.
http://t.co/1sTomBtiec
1
6
46
“His heart skipped like a CD borrowed from the library.”
3
2
49
I’m teaching a course called “How to Transition from Late Night Comedy Writing to Scripted Comedy Writing”
You know, once I do it.
2
1
48
When Conan was putting together his live tour in 2010, I secretly drew him &
@BrianStack153
#TBT
#Sothebys
2
2
45
Today I made gluten-free churros for my kid at my ex-wife’s house. The only way I could be more LA is if I were the Hollywood sign.
#LosAngeles
4
0
47
If the Kama Sutra were based on my love-making, there'd be a position called Donkey Tangled In A Hammock.
2
14
46
Thanks for lending your brain to the Conan writers,
@toddlevin
Your sketches on the show set a crazy high bar, including this one in which I was proud to appear.
1
3
45
You see the glass as half-empty, I see a rectal thermometer on a steel pan. We're looking at different things.
0
9
44
If you've seen a guy try to undo his belt with just his elbows, then you've seen me dance.
0
33
45