Freya Parker
@iamfreyaparker
Followers
5,390
Following
1,432
Media
204
Statuses
1,960
Actor, comic, cheeky guy/ That’s me in Jurassic World: Dominion 🦖/ 50% @lazysusan / Rep: @CBGActors @CBGComedy @Bespoke_Voices /Dysgu cymraeg/ Tix to my shows:
Joined March 2012
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Don’t fucking strip the bed in the morning unless you are prepared to remake it at 11pm
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Mark Wahlberg’s daily routine vs mine. He’s got a lot to learn.
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Hi guys. I just stood for a moment outside a busy church to hopefully see the bride but it was a funeral so all good, heading home now. Bye!
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No, I do NOT read books thank you, I prefer to transport them in my bag for many hours whilst I travel the city looking at my phone.
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I’m definitely at my cutest when checking that my front door is locked for the 16th time
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Maybe your headphones are tangling themselves up just so you’ll notice them xx
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RIP
#TheMashReport
🙏 Thanks to
@sergestott
& all the top team, it really was a pleasure. Excited to see the right-wing satire that’s to replace us! ❄️
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Wtf I didn’t write this
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A very happy new year from me and my current husband xx
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Me whispering into the bathroom mirror at parties: Stop pretending you hate ironing when you fucking love it
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I made this bread out of chickpea flour & it is fucking appalling. Going straight in the bin RIP xxx
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Just called the police on a guy breaking into a neighbours house. The twist? He’s a locksmith! Brilliant stuff from me there, I feel absolutely amazing. Have a great evening everyone.
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When Jill starts a new idea with 1 minute remaining on the Zoom call 🙏
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We need stirrups on pyjamas now I can’t keep going through this “oh I’ve turned over in bed now I’m wearing cycling shorts”
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When I was 16 I’d already consolidated my fortune & moved into philanthropy. Embarrassed for this kid
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A cute taxi driver called me a cunt outside the London Palladium in 2004. I wish I’d got his phone number... Twitter, do your thing!
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Fine, I’ll give up the takeaway coffee cups but I’ll never quit single-use jeans!
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Grateful for another incredible year with my massive forehead ❤️
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Want to feel like you’ve finally got your shit together? Start using these little clips! I feel incredible.
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When you accidentally open an app that’s the same colour as the one you actually want
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Every time I make a tomato sauce, I slice up the garlic like they do in Goodfellas. What an amazing film about men cooking together xx
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Please believe me when I say that giraffes have been moving amongst us for years but WE DON’T NOTICE THEM COS WE’RE ON OUR PHONES
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Hey, so I don’t normally share personal stuff on here and today is no different x
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Why is my contact lens acting like one of those fortune telling fish?? Like I know I’m jealous just get in my eye
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I’d been prepping for this role since 1993!
@JurassicWorld
Dominion opens on Friday. What a dream🦖❤️ Merci & well done
@colintrevorrow
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Just home after a lovely holiday in the Windows screensaver
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Did a bit of watercolour earlier and have just chugged down the painty water. Why write a sitcom when I’m LIVING in one!!!!!
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Just walked past ‘missing cat’ & ‘missing dog’ posters on the same street. Pretty obvious they’ve run off together?
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Hello
@edfringe
mate. Are you going to announce cancellation today? Please support your artists.
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Guys please look after yourselves bc believe me, take your eye off the ball for 1 minute & you’ll wake up on Etsy looking at William Morris-print lampshades wondering who the fuck you are now
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Okay
@edfringe
, now it's real! 😇 V excited to have directorial / emotional support from
@RachelStubbings
+ spiritual back up from
@Show_And_Tell
&
@MultitudeMedia
📷 Faye Thomas So many tix here:
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Absolutely fucking obsessed with crisps & don’t see that changing anytime soon
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First preview: ✅ Number of walk outs: 1️⃣ Thanks to all who could handle it!!
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Very sad to announce that I touched the bin then touched my eye. Will need to get rid of both now 😔
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And… that’s a sold-out fringe! Wtf! Huge thanks to everyone who came to see me this month. Big love to everyone who supported me / navigated my EXTREME emotions
@ThePleasance
@Show_And_Tell
@MultitudeMedia
, my ace director
@RachelStubbings
& my brilliant family & friends ❤️
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Sometimes I think I use this guy 🤪 too frequently but then I’m like 🤪
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The country is falling apart AND I’m living with a psychopath who doesn’t open their advent calendar for days it’s too much
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Aww it’s so cute when men ask me if I know the origin/meaning of my name! Please enlighten me sir, for my curiosity has not been piqued thus far!
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😇
📺
#LazySusan
, a new
@BBCThree
comedy sketch show from
@iamfreyaparker
and Celeste Dring has just finished shooting on location in Watford.
Find out more about the show and the stellar comedy supporting cast
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I once said I had a bassoon audition to get out of a beep test so, I get it mate.
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Is being an incessantly loud piece of shit a symptom of corona? If so I wish my neighbours a speedy recovery 🙏
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Next time I audition for something & don’t get it, I’m going to refuse to accept it then turn up on set in costume backed by a militia 🥂
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Just picked an apple over a biscuit & like wow so this is strength
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Putting out the 40th load of laundry today. Neighbours gathered now, everyone clapping (some crying), great atmosphere 👍
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Auditioned for this
In the phone hacking case, Prince Harry told the court that every single article played a destructive role in his life.
There are no cameras in court so as part of a special programme Sky News has recorded what was said by the Duke, played by an actor.
Watch ☟
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TFW you’re doing the washing-up & can’t skip the podcast adverts
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What a fabulous day to invest all my family’s money into crypto
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I am in this exciting business for approx 20 seconds, maybe less🥂
A touch of power can change the world.
Experience the new original series,
#TheNevers
, streaming April 11 on
@hbomax
.
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Bagel for breakfast, doughnut for lunch, tyre for dinner 🥂
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My tattoo gun arrives today! Excited to get going with this brand new hobby!
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When your crush finally accepts your invite to connect on LinkedIn
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Me finally gaining access to my emotions:
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Soup is so fucking dramatic... ‘oh microwave me for 900 minutes then stir then another 600 mins then leave me to stand for 150’
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Extremely excited to be heading up to the
@edfringe
& spiritual home
@ThePleasance
with
@Show_And_Tell
this year! Pls buy tickets to this cheeky journey!! 🙏
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Doing my final preview on the 2.10pm train to Edinburgh, coach K, seat 56. See you there xx
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At this point I’m very much hoping that my next leap will be the leap home 🙏
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Just walked past a house with full Christmas tree & decs up. Either they’re v. keen or have been dead for nearly a year! 🎄
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Grateful for the press, humbled by the photo 🙏
Grab your copy of
@MetroUK
today for AMAZING recommendations, including
@lazysusan
on Soho Theatre On Demand (and
@primevideouk
👋)
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Gonna be out & about today projecting the Queen’s face onto stuff. Let me know if you want it on you, your dog etc.
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Honestly why would I let food stand for 1 minute when I could put the boiling contents straight into my mouth 🫠
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Shout out to everyone rearranging the area that can be seen by their laptop camera so it doesn't look cluttered, weird & sad xxxx
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Can’t shake the feeling that a lot of ‘things’ would be ‘fixed’ if I got a fringe.
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When you‘ve completely replaced your inner-monologue with podcasts:
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This is v nice! 🍸 No backing out now 🤪
The Guardian’s Top 50
#edfringe
shows — featuring
@iamfreyaparker
and
@LeilaDoesTweets
both performing at
@ThePleasance
this August
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In my hall, eyes closed, one hand on the door-handle, a finger on the buzzer & my mouth wide open in preparation for the pizza that’s due for delivery in 6 hours time
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Why do I always have to ruin nice moments with my seagull impression???
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Crazy when an advert pops up on your feed that you modelled for!!
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