Christopher Voss
@fbinegotiator
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Author of #1 Bestselling Book: ‘Never Split The Difference.’ Former Lead FBI Hostage Negotiator. @Masterclass Instructor.
Washington D.C. - Los Angeles
Joined June 2013
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My book, Never Split The Difference, has over 40,000 reviews on Amazon.
If you’ve read my book, retweet this.
I want to see something….
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As the lead former hostage negotiator in the FBI, I will say with certainty that the level of manipulation by the mainstream media should not be overlooked when we look back on what exactly led to this moment.
An election is also a negotiation… and many of the people with the
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Andrew Huberman has my unequivocal support. He is about making the world a better place. I am grateful we are friends.
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Never assume that the kind, peaceful person is unprepared for war.
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Remember that people are not against you.
They are for themselves.
Which is why curiosity, empathy, mirroring, and labeling work like magic.
It’s not about you. It never was.
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Do we think it’s a crazy idea if I—the former lead FBI hostage negotiator—start moderating political debates on X Spaces?
Culture wars.
Israel vs. Palestine.
Establishment vs. anti-establishment.
Woke vs. anti-woke.
How bad can they be?
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Mentally strong people who end up succeeding no matter what are just people who keep picking themselves up from off the ground and learning new skills/habits every time life breaks them.
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“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.”
John F. Kennedy
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Your biggest enemy isn’t someone else.
Your biggest enemy is the version of yourself that doesn’t take action, refuses to grow, and won’t take any risk.
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If you want to change someone’s behavior, make them feel heard, understood, valued, and respected. That’s it. That’s the magic recipe.
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He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.
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“It seems like there’s a reason you’re saying that…”
This sentence is magic when it comes to getting people to open up.
Don’t sleep on it.
Use it to connect with people.
Let me know how it goes.
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When you feel an intense emotion, that’s your cue to pause.
It’s not your cue to react immediately, or angrily, or with a sharp tongue.
The most successful people have trained themselves not to react to their emotions.
Remember to pause.
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Too many people think that the goal is to win an argument, when the goal is actually to identify and achieve goals collaboratively.
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Don’t accept criticism from people you wouldn’t go to for advice.
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I know at least two people who have not read “Never Split The Difference”
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Has anyone in politics read Never Split The Difference?
I often wonder.
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Discipline is temporary pain.
Regret is permanent pain.
Do what you said you were going to do despite the circumstances.
You owe this to yourself.
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The single biggest mistake people make in negotiations is to assume that it's a battle of arguments when, in fact, it's a battle of perceptions.
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Good negotiators don’t have meltdowns when someone expresses an opinion they disagree with.
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The other day someone told me that if my book was included in school curricula, a lot of the problems they experienced as they grew older would have been prevented.
When I hear comments like this, I am always led to the conclusion that one of our biggest issues in life is that
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The smartest people are often silent.
The strongest people are often soft.
The happiest and wealthiest people are the least flashy.
What does that tell you?
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People who can’t communicate properly think everything is an argument.
When you are equipped with negotiation tactics, every conflict ends on a good note.
It’s never an argument.
You can learn.
I believe in you.
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George Bernard Shaw said “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Whatever you want in this world, learning how to communicate—and how to negotiate—will help you get it faster.
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I am not impressed by arguments I see on social media.
One-upping someone or clapping back is easy, and often cheap.
When this generation learns to communicate better, with maturity, curiosity, and empathy—not defiance and anger— we will experience a much better world.
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Discomfort will happen. Confusion will happen. That’s life. Don’t take it personally. Don’t identify as a victim. Don’t sit there and ruminate over everything that went wrong. Become a problem-solver. Read. Develop a strategy. Learn how to communicate with empathy, kindness, and
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An uncomfortable truth: You’re not empathetic if you can’t show empathy to someone who strongly disagrees with you.
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You don’t get the life you deserve.
You get the life you negotiate.
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Had a young man tell me the other day that my Masterclass was a “banger.”
Had no idea it was a compliment.
Glad my work is resonating with the younger generation!
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“No” is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it.
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If you’re not being criticized, you’re not pushing hard enough.
Once you accept that criticism is a byproduct of success, you won’t feel the need to defend yourself or react to your critics.
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Here are some great questions that I use in almost every negotiation, depending on the situation:
What about this is important to you?
How can I help to make this better for us?
How would you like me to proceed?
What is it that brought us into this situation?
How can we solve
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Stop trying to escape criticism.
Embrace it.
You are a threat. You have influence.
What you say holds power and weight.
You have made significant moves.
Always remember:
People who stand for nothing never get criticized.
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You’d be amazed at how far you can get in a negotiation by simply making people feel like you understand them—even if you don’t agree with a word they said.
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Successful people always look ahead at what needs to get done. Then they do it.
Everyone else spends copious amounts of time analyzing the past, always dwelling about what has happened to them.
There’s a path you know you need to be on, and I suggest you take it.
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Being collaborative will make you more money than being cutthroat ever will.
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If you don’t know where you’re going, distractions will look like opportunities.
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It doesn’t matter what you’re going through or where you are in your journey.
I respect any person who's making an effort to learn and get better.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
If you are doing anything of value or of impact, there will be a reaction.
Let the criticism energize you.
Keep going.
They are usually punching up, you know this.
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Pay attention to your delivery.
If you find yourself arguing or explaining, you’re losing. If you find yourself complaining, you’re losing.
Conversely, if you don’t make it about yourself—if you demonstrate understanding, you’re winning.
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I have never thought less of someone for admitting that they were wrong, have you?
It’s impossible to be right all the time. Admitting when we are wrong gives us the freedom and the permission to learn something new, and to disconnect from our egos.
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You have every right to feel every emotion on the spectrum of human emotions.
But reacting to your emotions will set you back, especially if they are negative.
We are adults, not children. Self-soothe. Take a walk.
Do whatever you need to do to calm yourself, then you can
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We are not victims of social media.
We have complete control over what we consume on these platforms.
What are you choosing to pay attention to? What are you choosing to ignore? These decisions will immensely influence your inner world and your mental health.
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No deal is better than a bad deal.
Read that again.
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“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
When you control your reactions, you won’t risk losing or tarnishing the relationship. You won’t create a negative outcome.
And most importantly, you set yourself up to WIN.
Feel your feelings,
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If they don’t value you, walk away.
Either they will be better, or you will find better.
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There are 46 days left in this year...
This is enough time to:
• Make gratitude a habit
• Understand where people are coming from
• Learn tactical empathy
• Connect to your intuition
• Label your emotions so that you don’t react to them
Don't wait until 2021. Do it now.
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The first time this flower ever bloomed in the backyard of my other house was when my mother died… I transplanted it to the new house I have now and this is the first bloom it ever has had here on Mother’s Day.
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Empathy doesn’t equal agreement.
The purpose of empathy isn’t to fold to someone’s views, but to understand where they’re coming from so you can create a better partnership.
It’s to humanize the deal.
People want to work with those who understand them.
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You're not listening to disagree; you're listening to understand.
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You don’t need to be manipulative to get what you want in life.
Learn to actively listen, repeat back to people what they’ve expressed, ask no-oriented questions, communicate more clearly, and watch what happens.
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As a former FBI Hostage Negotiatior who teaches communication skills, people often ask me why I don’t comment on the Israel-Palestine conflict…
Here are my thoughts
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Should we bring “🚨FBI Negotiaton Tactics” to Twitter Spaces?
Used to be a popular Clubhouse room…
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In a competition there are winners and losers.
If you perceive negotiation to be a competition, you end up with one winner and one loser.
But when you begin to see that a negotiation can be a collaboration, nobody ends up a loser.
Perspective is everything.
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Most people think negotiation is a meeting of the minds, when it’s really a head to heart connection.
For someone to feel understood and therefore connected to you… they have to feel that your head connects with their heart.
This is what you want.
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There are 68 days left in 2023
This is enough time to:
• Make gratitude a habit
• Understand where people are coming from
• Learn tactical empathy
• Connect to your intuition
• Label your emotions so that you don't react to them
Don't wait until 2024. Do it now.
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There is a difference between having goals and being consumed by everything you’re not.
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Dwelling on what you messed up on or failed at is the quickest way for your next thing not to work.
So you screwed up.
So you tried something and it didn’t work out.
So what?
Don’t dwell. Don’t sulk. Just get up and do the next thing.
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Parents often tell me that the strategies and tactics I teach work well on their children.
I’m starting to think we better start teaching kids these tools earlier.
After all, negotiation skills are communication skills.
And the most effective communicators always get ahead.
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Reminder that you are not a victim.
Even if you’ve suffered, identifying as a survivor is a much better reframe.
Whatever you’re going through, know that you have power.
I’ve been teaching this for long enough to know for a FACT that you have more power than you think you
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Pay attention to your delivery.
If you find yourself arguing or explaining, you’re losing. If you find yourself complaining, you’re losing.
Conversely, if you don’t make it about yourself—if you demonstrate understanding, you’re winning.
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You will thrive and grow when you finally resist the urge to judge other people.
When you actively seek to understand where people are coming from—how they came to believe what they believe—you will get results faster.
The best conversations are free from judgment.
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Yes, we are wired to be negative. Here’s what you can do about it.
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Curiosity and anger cannot coexist.
When you become angry at people, it is essential that you become deeply curious about their motivations and behaviors.
Instead of reacting, ask questions.
And gradually, on your quest to understand what is happening, you will find that your
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There are 86 days left in 2021
This is enough time to:
• Make gratitude a habit
• Understand where people are coming from
• Learn tactical empathy
• Connect to your intuition
• Label your emotions so that you don't react to them
Don't wait until 2022. Do it now.
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Most people are living in fear of something.
Label it.
Invite them to talk about it.
Negotiation is a process of discovery.
It’s your job to bring everything to the surface.
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“Who are you voting for?” is the wrong question to start with.
“What do you value most in a candidate?”
“What are you hoping will change in the next 4 years?”
“What are you hoping will stay the same?”
We can’t have real conversations anymore because nobody knows where to
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“It seems like…”
“It sounds like…”
“It looks like…”
Notice we said "It sounds like . . ." and not "I'm hearing that . . ."
That's because the word "I" gets people's guard up. When you say "I," it says you're more interested in yourself than the other person.
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You are one conversation away from getting the result you want. One label, a couple mirrors, one accusation audit, and some tactical empathy.
Take the focus off you. Making the other side feel heard and understood is like magic.
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The beauty of empathy is that it doesn't demand that you agree with someone’s ideas.
Acknowledge their situation, convey that you are listening. And once they know you are listening, they may tell you something that you can use.
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Mastering negotiation requires epic levels of discovery and wonder as novelty wears off.
James Clear said it best:
“Mastery requires lots of practice. But the more you practice something, the more boring and routine it becomes.
Thus, an essential component of mastery is the
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If you don’t understand how they see it, then you will never be able to predict how they’re going to react.
AND if you can’t articulate their perspective without disagreeing with it… Then you don’t actually grasp it.
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Trying to convince someone with your own logic will only backfire. They don’t think the way you think.
Get on their level. Understand their reasoning. From there, form your case.
#quote
#wisdom
#communication
#dailyquote
#inspiration
#dailyinspiration
#blackswangroup
#chrisvoss
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There is no empathy in the actions of an assassin.
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Being a father and working alongside my son Brandon has been one of my greatest joys, and my greatest teacher.
It has also made me a better negotiator.
Happy Father’s Day!
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They say worrying is worshipping the problem.
When you have tools, strategies, and tactics at your disposal, the worry tends to dissipate.
Most problems of communication can be navigated.
Start learning. Stop worrying.
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Chris’s
#1
rule of negotiation:💡Let the other side have your way.
That starts with listening. To convince someone that your solution is best, understand what they’re after. Dig deep, find out what’s on their mind. Listening first gives you the in that you’ve been waiting for.
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Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don't compromise.
Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.
Always remember, no deal is better than a bad deal.
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Your biggest haters see your potential before you even recognize it in yourself.
Anyone who spends their precious time and energy criticizing you sees that you have some kind of power and influence.
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I have never thought less of someone for admitting that they were wrong, have you?
It’s impossible to be right all the time.
Admitting when we are wrong gives us the freedom and the permission to learn something new, and to disconnect from our egos.
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Just went on Jay Shetty. Was a great interview. I’m back.
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People who experience grief often tell me their biggest regrets involve not having another conversation, not reaching out, not returning a phone call or text.
The extent to which we avoid talking to each other because we don’t know how is staggering.
We can do better.
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Love, like negotiation, requires empathy and collaboration. Show people that you understand what they want, and that you are working towards it.
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As a father in trying times you have a choice: you can keep to yourself or you can show up.
Show up. Be available. Be present. Be involved in your children’s lives.
Show up so the next generation of kids won’t have to recover from the damage of having an absent father.
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🛑STOP TALKING🛑
Listening requires us to set our own self aside and let the other person speak.
It’s difficult. Insanely difficult.
Yet when you start listening, people will keep coming back to you.
Because they felt heard. Seen. Cared for.
It matters because people matter.
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That people are still spending precious time critiquing Dr. Jill Biden, her degree, her dissertation, and insisting she doesn’t deserve her credentials tells us everything we need to know.
Women deserve more respect than they get. Instead of criticizing them, let’s elevate them.
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"Luck" is what happens once you finally learn how to listen, use tactical empathy, and use no-oriented questions.
If you’re not getting results anywhere, it is because you have not yet learned how to negotiate.
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Your position is only as strong as how well you have absorbed the counter argument or opposing viewpoint… and repeated it back to them.
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Talk is not cheap. People cheapen talk.
When you learn the difference between effective communication and ineffective communication, this becomes obvious.
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"Communication is key" but so is empathy.
If you’re having a conversation and you’re only looking at things from your point-of-view without any regard for another person’s experience, wants, needs, or desires, “communication” alone won’t cut it.
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I want women to know that if they intuitively feel like someone is capable of abusing them, they should absolutely listen to that feeling.
When your gut instinct is speaking to you, listen to it.
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The smarter you get, the less you ruminate.
You realize there is a cost every time you marinate in the past, that if you want an easier life, you better stop overthinking, figure out a plan of action, and get things done.
Your mind cannot solve the problems your actions can.
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Your use of empathy will actually empower YOU first and foremost.
It makes your thought process clear to you, it kicks your analytical, thinking tools into gear…
And finally, it gives you influence with the person you are using it with.
Empathy is the fastest way to your
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Most people are empathetic but don’t appear empathetic, and that’s the reason they find negotiation difficult.
Empathy is not the ability to take on another person’s feelings. Empathy is the ability to describe another person’s perspective and feelings back to them. Start there.
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🎄I’m so grateful for my family, my friends, and this wonderful community of people. Thanks for being a part of it! Who are you grateful for this year?
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Unexpressed negative emotions never die—they just fester and turn into cancer. If you want your relationships to thrive, you will need to open the door for others to communicate their frustrations to you. This leads to progress. The alternative leads to resentment.
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