Decelerate Your Life
@deceleratedlife
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Pinned Tweet
I'm so tired of her telling me Haitians aren't eating cats when she's Haitian and goes home and eats pussy every night
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You ever look at a Jeep owner and just know that their AR is covered in red anodized parts?
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If you don't like creating a baby, don't have unprotected sex.
If you don't like gay marriage, don't get gay married
If you don't like gender-affirming care, don't have any
If you don't believe in abortion, don't get one
If you don't think your kid should read a certain book, stop them
But don't tell others how to live their lives.
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Dear enlisted, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The bad news is your yearly raise is gonna go down. The good news is we’ll probably go back to war!
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The US government will give literal terrorists completely stocked arsenals with fully automatic weapons and then say your semi-auto AR-15 is a dangerous weapon of war.
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If I die in the military and you say something like “we’ve got the watch now” imma haunt you forever.
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In the Navy we might not have the highest morale, or the best duty stations, or the most fulfilling boot camp, or the best uniforms, or the best chain of commands, or rules, or edible food, but... shit. I forgot where I was going with this.
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For the record: nobody is mad we’re leaving Afghanistan. We’re mad at the absolutely catastrophic way it was done.
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A lot of weird people think Zelenskyy is a badass. Can we talk about how the mayor of Kyiv is Vitali "Dr. Ironfist" Klitschko who retired from boxing with a record of 45-2 with 41 wins by KO?
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Grunt Style shirts are the Nickleback concert shirts of the military community.
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Retweet this and get it out there! I love seeing everyone’s support for
#SuicideAwarenessMonth
#suicideawareness
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but owning a Jeep isn’t a personality.
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That's because your bill opens the door to human cell cloning without safeguards against using embryos for medical treatment or testing. Your bill could give absolute power to the government to be evil scientists.
BREAKING: Despite Donald Trump’s claims that he wants IVF to be covered, Senate Republicans just blocked my Right to IVF Act for the second time—legislation that would have done exactly that.
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*double leg amputee veteran walks in*
Civilian: *avoids eye contact and shuffled away awkwardly*
Veteran: “so do they like, make prosthetics to your original height or can they make you 8 ft tall?”
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My favorite part of being a military ($800,000,000,000 budget) member in the US Navy ($200,000,000,000 budget) on the USS George H W Bush ($15,000,000,000 ship) was pissing in bottles because the toilets were all broken.
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The military is so crazy. It’ll have a 23 year old redneck from Missouri named Chet telling stories about when he was eating sushi in Dubai.
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Females on IG make the military life look like an amazing wonderland.
Males on IG make it look like it’s bad ass shit 24/7.
Y’all need to stop. We’re all pushing the same broom. You ain’t fooling anyone.
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How to raid Area 51:
1. Leave wipers on. This will scare the gate guard.
2. Leave headlights on. This disorients and incapacitates all gate guards.
3. Bring an officer’s wife. They will be forced to respect her authority.
4. Bring Scooby snacks to bribe military dogs.
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What law would you propose to make it more illegaler for a felon to be unable to possess a firearm?
Republican lawmakers made it easy for a dangerous man with a long criminal history to access an AK-47.
Same profile, same red flags, same story over and over again in America…
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“Which special forces is the best?”
Soldier: “Delta Force of course.”
Sailor: “Navy SEALs. No question.”
Air Force: “PJs lead the way.”
Texan: “Whataburger is way better than In-N-Out.”
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Fun fact: Sometimes when a sailor says “that’s the old sailor in me” it’s a euphemism and not an actual sailor having gay sex with them.
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Tim Kennedy is to Afghanistan evacuations what Dan Bilzerian was to the Vegas shooting.
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Fellas if she:
-Is always broke
-Is overweight
-Doesn’t move particularly quickly
-Is a little past her prime
-Is usually full of Seamen
-Is capable of launching an F-18
She’s not your girl, she’s a Nimitz Class Aircraft Carrier
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Cold War Vets condemning Capt Crozier's actions as OPSEC violations are the same people who believe there are hot singles in their area wanting to fuck them, and are willing to sign their pensions away to a Nigerian Prince.
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Me: why should I buy your product?
“Because it’s veteran owned”
Me: is it high quality?
“Why yes we are veteran owned”
Me: quality?
“Veteran. Owned. And. Operated”
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Forgive
@RepSwalwell
he's a degenerate horndog. He's going to have slips. If propositioned by Chinese spies, for example, he will likely sleep with them.
Forgive Trump. He’s almost 80. He’s going to keep having slips. If president, for example, he will likely say “bomb Toronto” when he really wanted to say “bomb Tehran.” These are just mistakes (and outcomes) we have to accept from a man in a declining mental state.
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The year is 1969.
Vietnam is hell
Your boot camp was a nightmare
You’ll be f*cked from agent orange
Nobody appreciates your service
Your girl is home banging Jody
But at least you’ll be able to tell some kid on social media “the military ain’t what it used to be” in 50 years
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The year is 2045. You sit down to watch Judge Judy. A commercial comes on.
“Have you ever pounded a RipIt to get through deployment? You may be entitled to financial compensation.”
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When I was a kid I thought the Boogeyman and quicksand were going to be my biggest obstacles. Scooby Doo did not prepare me properly for depression.
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Dear mid-30's white guys: You are not a Viking.
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Me before joining the military: I cant wait to serve my country and do my part!
Me after getting out of the military:
Lol the government fucking sucks.
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Here’s the branches smartest to dumbest:
1. Air Force
2. Navy
3. Coast Guard
...
33. A birch tree
...
T87. Marines and Army
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but not everyone in the military is a hero.
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The military is so much easier to deal with when you realize the people in charge of you, bottom to the top, are most likely fucking idiots.
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Day 98 without sex: the only person I know getting laid is my wife’s friend Jody.
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We're so far removed from September 11th, 2001 that people have forgotten. To see politicians compare Sept. 11th to Jan. 6th is disgusting. Being a Jr. High student watching men and women jump to their death from dozens of stories up will NEVER compare to anything on Jan 6th.
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We spend a lot of time making fun of military dudes buying muscle cars at exorbitant interest rates, but can we take a moment to talk about girls that join the military and think they’re models?
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“A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinion of sheep” the Ensign quietly whispers to himself after a salty E-3 tells him to fuck off.
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If you knew me before the military, you have no clue who I am today.
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Therapist: What do we do when we’re unhappy with our life choices?
Chief: Take it out on my subordinates
Therapist: what, no.
Chief: Sleep with the new girl to the division?
Therapist: Huh?!
Chief: Leave early and go golfing
Therapist: Can you hear yourself speak?
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RIP to all lost today. Please check on your friends in need. This attack was, so far, the 5th deadliest attack in 20 years in Afghanistan.
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Me: I’m so glad I didn’t use Faceapp and give someone my personal info
Also me: *wrote my social security number 15 times a day on government documents that thousands of people have access to in the military*
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Dudes in the Air Force like their steak well done with ketchup.
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The government says 420,000 automatic guns the Taliban “acquired” pose no threat to America, but your scary, semi-auto black gun is what’s been classified as a “violent epidemic” by the CDC.
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We’re all in this together.
-a company profiting off covid-19
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Fun fact: he broke the law when he tried to kill president trump. Contrary to prior belief, it is illegal to try to kill a presidential candidate.
Even though someone tried to assassinate Donald Trump two months ago, a man with an AK-47 rifle, ammunition, a scope, a GoPro camera and two backpacks was able to get within 400 yards of Trump’s golf club. Why? Because of Republican laws that allow “guns everywhere.”
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Women: *gain weight and get bigger boobs*
Men: *gain weight and have less visible dick*
How is this fair!?
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It’s really lame when people that were never in the navy get traditional Navy tattoos. It’s also really lame when Navy Sailors get traditional Navy tattoos.
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Dear US Military: change your image. Make the military badass again. Show the world the military is tough. Young men and women are hungry for a challenge to be proud of. There’s over 10 million open jobs. Why would anyone choose the military? Give them something to be proud of.
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When I was an E-3 with $20 to my name and 2 days til payday,
@littlecaesars
was there for me with a hot-n-ready. For that, they will always be God Tier pizza.
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Active Duty suicides are not a big military issue. They are a problem on a smaller scale. Leaders MUST do a better job taking care of their people. It’s the only true way to decrease the amount of young people committing suicide. Leaders: DO BETTER
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When I was in boot camp, when someone farted my RDC would yell “vacuum” and everyone would have to breath deep to get rid of the stink. This is something I thought you should all know.
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Unpopular opinion: there is virtually no reason to be homeless as a veteran other than by choice.
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Me as a veteran in a civilian job:
Boss: Whoever is clicking that pen, would you please stop?!
Me: My bad. That’s my knees.
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If your Instagram bio says “living my best life” but you’re in the military you’re fucking lying.
#livingmybestlife
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Hey. Nice dick, bro.
Normalize hyping up platonic friends with compliments 👏🏼
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Everyone’s out here dumbfounded that people believe the earth is flat when y’all believed your recruiter when they said that you were gonna have a good time in the military.
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And where was this “we have the watch now” when I had to take a shit and nobody would relieve me?
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People I know from the military that have died: Too many.
People from high school that have died: Not enough.
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If you don’t change your profile picture to a picture in uniform, how will people ever feel pressured to thank you for your service?
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A paperless military means you fill out a form completely on the computer, print it out, give it to someone else who will enter that data into a computer.
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Dear young people in the military:
Just because a company only deals with military members (such as
@USAA
) doesn’t mean they’re a better fit for you. It just means they know how to take your money better. Do your research you kangz and qweenz!
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VA Doc: remember how much fun you had in the military?
Me: no.
VA Doc: that sucks cause your body is BROKE AF LOLLLL. Here’s 10% disability you piece of shit.
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"I really need hearing aids for my service connected hearing loss!"
VA: lol yo you want a free vagina instead fam?
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The human brain is amazing! It functions 24/7 from the day you were born and only stops when you enlist at MEPS.
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The biggest sense of accomplishment I had in the military was being able to fill the urinalysis specimen container on the first try.
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Newton’s fourth law clearly states the more you rev your Harley or diesel truck, the bigger your penis becomes.
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Don’t let your military service define who you are.
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Chiefs will spend 2 hours lecturing you on financial responsibility but conveniently forget about the month they did car washes and sold donuts and Little Caesars pizzas to buy some uniforms.
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You can tell a lot about a man by the type of porn he brings on deployment.
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Military members and veterans die by suicide more in 2 days than all Americans that have died from
#coronavirus
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Dear
@USNavy
with the recent suicides on the
@USSGeorgeHWBush
could we maybe start a discussion about the elevated amount of suicides that occur during shipyard periods and the lack of effort to change the climate?
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The best advice I can give anyone is to pick a job in the military that will yield a successful career when you get out. Or if you plan to stay in choose a job that you can stand for 20+ years. Do your research!
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If smokers get smoke breaks people in the military deserve depression breaks.
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Fun fact: meth is safer than being in the military because you can quit meth whenever you’d like.
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Trump, in Navy terms, just went to back to back Captain’s Masts a week before getting his DD-214 and still gets to collect VA benefits.
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The modern military robbed me of a sense of service to my country.
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Lot's of push back when making fun of the pilot who lost our F-35.
"Oh but can YOU land a jet on a carrier???"
No, but neither can that pilot.
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Things I would rather do than re-enlist:
1. Explore John Wayne Gacy’s crawlspace
2. Insert a cactus in my anus. Sideways
3. Be stuck on an elevator for a week with Nickleback
4. Deploy without shower shoes
5. Buy something from your wife’s Facebook pyramid scheme
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“Enlisted men are stupid but extremely cunning and sly and bear considerable watching”
-1894 officer’s guide
“Enlisted men will bitch about anything you ask them to do. Also, please don’t fuck enlisted people”
-2018 officer’s guide
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Five 800mg ibuprofen a day keeps the doctor away.
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Lies Boomers have told me:
1. it’s illegal to drive a car with interior lights on
2. if you crack your knuckles you’ll get arthritis
3. boomers won’t ruin the environment, housing market, and economy.
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New rule: if you can’t use the right form of they’re/their/there, you can’t call me a “fucking moron” in the comments.
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One time I watched a UFC fight on the carrier I was stationed on, so I really don’t think it’s a stretch to tell people I saw combat in the Navy.
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Million dollar idea: CBD infused tactical coffee company that’s veteran owned.
(Shirts will be sold as well)
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Example of when the internet was bad: two girls one cup
Example of when the internet was good: when we meme-shamed the Navy into giving us our rates back.
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Military: YOU MUST ADHERE TO STRICT BODY COMPOSITION STANDARDS OR YOULL BE KICKED OUT.
Lolz unless we can put your fatass at defensive tackle at the academy.
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How come every parking lot on a military base has a lifted diesel truck with Pennsylvania plates and a big confederate flag?
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I dont care if you squat 1,000 lbs or bench 700 lbs. Nobody on social media is going to be inspired by the paragraph you write.
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“Almost joining the military” is like big boobs on a fat girl.
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