Mass Dude
@DudeMass
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Following
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25,623
Jokes, observations and Dunks addiction
Massachusetts, USA
Joined April 2020
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Pinned Tweet
Remember kids, if you start to think people aren’t so bad, just visit a grocery store on the weekend.
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Sex is great. But have you ever developed deep feelings for someone you’ll never realistically be with?
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Game show idea: men are dropped off at an Ulta Beauty store with $500 and have to buy the right makeup for their ladies with no notes or cellphones.
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A fun part of being an adult is giving your friends great advice you’d never follow yourself.
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If you don’t go by looks, mental stability, common sense or social graces I’m absolutely a 10.
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People who book meetings for Friday afternoons weren’t hugged enough as kids.
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How the hell did people in the 70’s have time to listen to music? Every song from that era is like 27 minutes long.
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If gas is going to be this pricey, at least label it like “artisan unleaded” so I don’t feel so ripped off.
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I miss the days when shit could just happen and it didn’t spawn 27 different conspiracy theories about lizard people flying UN helicopters to harvest our sweat glands.
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Had to lay my friend of 13 years to rest today. Love you, Buddy. You were the best of boys.
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Touch my Cadbury mini eggs and, unlike Jesus, you will NOT rise again.
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Had a nightmare I was eating dinner with Kid Rock at a Golden Corral during a deodorant shortage. Never. Sleeping. Again.
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I’d rather open the Ark of the Covenant than my email this morning.
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Typed “Toto list” instead of “To Do list” and now I’ve just been blessing rains down in Africa all day.
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Screw Teslas. Give us a car that runs on anxiety and depression.
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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Tried bringing “sexy” back. Thanks to inflation the best I could bring back was “bangable when drunk”.
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Fun fact: “Highway to Hell” was a song about members of AC/DC having to drive to see family for the holidays.
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Fun fact: the only thing separating cats from serial killers is fur and laziness.
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Just found a bunch of old Chuck E. Cheese tokens in a drawer so gonna start my own cryptocurrency.
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“Cruel Summer” my ass, Bananarama. Gas was like $1 a gallon back then and no one had heard of a Kardashian.
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Forget Jesus taking the wheel. I want Moses to part this gridlock on the highway.
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Hell, I’d fight Mike Tyson to get the coma and a few weeks off from work.
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My Uber driver is blasting Celine Dion while going 90mph on a rainy back road. Not how I thought I’d go but here we are.
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Billy Joel: “Sing us a song, you’re the piano man…”
CBS: “The hell you are” *ends concert abruptly
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Don’t let that song by the Police fool you. If every little thing she does is magic, you’ve got a witch situation going on.
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Train wrecks actually stop and watch me, if you want to know how things are going.
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The secret to happiness is caring more about the coffee you drink than other people’s opinions.
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“Everybody Hurts”
-REM and anyone over 40 who moves around for a few minutes.
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I judge my past relationships by how many songs I can never listen to again.
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Anyone else want to recreate the Boston Tea Party and dump all the pumpkin spice into the harbor?
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Hear me out! An adult happy meal with Xanax, cocaine, and a whiskey shot. Who says no?
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Anyone else in the mood to just get drunk by a lake and sing 80’s songs all through the night?
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I found a leprechaun skeleton in my Lucky Charms the other day. Did you see me make a fuss about it on social media? Nooooo.
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
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Hey Facebook...Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
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Unlike other time-travelers, I plan to go back and stop Neil Diamond from ever writing Sweet Caroline.
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Men: can’t find our keys anywhere.
Also men: spots cleavage three blocks away.
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You don’t know betrayal until you try to use your knees after turning 40.
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According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
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I’m not disturbed easily, but seeing people eat mayonnaise right out of the jar does the trick.
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When you realize that song you dig is actually by a band you hate, and you wonder what other parts of your life are a lie.
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“And tonight, we dine in HELL!” I scream, pulling into a parking space at Golden Corral.
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The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing management that you need meetings before and after the actual meeting.
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A brutally honest dating site for middle-aged singles called “Carbon Dating”.
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“Time for an adventure!” I said, going to the Dunkin Donuts on the other side of town this morning.
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We’re all broken. Find someone worth navigating the shards for.
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Do serial killers curl up on the couch and watch documentaries about true crime fans?
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“We found love in a hopeless place” is a nicer way of saying “We made out in a Dollar General”.
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No thanks, HR. I’d rather eat a mayonnaise-filled pop tart than sign up for an early morning Zoom yoga class.
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Guys, let’s make a pact that if IT...I mean 2020...ever returns, we’ll all come back and kill it.
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Guys at bar: sharing stories of being in the army, MMA fighters, etc.
Me: I worked 3rd shift at a southern Waffle House for 5 years.
Guys at bar: *slide a beer my way as they salute.
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Sext: I’d willingly brave the grocery store on a Sunday morning for you.
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Remember kids, unfrosted Pop Tarts are the work of the Devil and make Jesus cry.
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A tornado siren but for when people are approaching to start talking to you.
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“I am the captain now”, I tell the clueless person in front of me at the self checkout as I start scanning their groceries.
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I get it, I get it, your heart is cold. But are we talking “Florida cold” or “New England cold”?
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These stupid country roads not only didn’t take me home, they took me to the middle of some creepy-ass cornfield.
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I lost a friend today.
We hadn’t seen each other in 20 years. But friendships don’t have an expiration date. John was always the joker, and I almost think I can hear the angels laughing now. Rest easy, John. I miss you.
I lost a friend today.
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But have you ever faked a nap to avoid potentially horrendous sex?
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“May I suggest drinking all the whiskey you can find?” - me as a therapist
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Every time I start to have faith in humanity, I go to the grocery store and lose it immediately.
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No pressure guys, but we only have 3 days left to salvage 2023.
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Once my leftover Amazon cardboard boxes become currency, it’s all over for you bitches.
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Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for murder and body disposal.
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The first nation to convert browsing for porn into renewable energy will be unstoppable.
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Yeah, sex is great. But have you ever played a song in the car that you know your passenger hates, just out of petty spite?
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Pro tip: if you block off your work calendar with an all-day meeting called “Day Drinking”, don’t forget to make that bad boy private.
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They say you can make anything sexy. But have they ever heard of forensic accounting?
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Didn’t we wage a whole-ass revolution to not have to care about Kate Middleton?
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Tennis matches would be way more interesting if the players were drunk and the racquets were on fire.
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Hey realtors: just be honest and confirm that any house built before 1930 is haunted as hell.
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“I’m in full control” I lied, finishing off yet another bag of Lindt chocolates I’d bought as gifts.
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I want to run a Texas Roadhouse franchise where waitstaff dress like Patrick Swayze and roundhouse kick annoying customers.
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I chose violence today at the grocery by paying with a check and staring at the people in line as I filled it out.
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“Hey, you got your anxiety in my depression!”
“Hey, you got your depression in my anxiety!”
- Reese’s mental health cups
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“But the leaves are pretty for like 3 weeks in October!” I say, using yet another crappy excuse for living where the air hurts my face 5 months a year.
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Look, the best I can do is random acts of shyness.
*runs away awkwardly
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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A denim jacket with a Def Leppard patch on the back is an instant time machine to the late 80’s.
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Summer’s over so we have about 2 weeks until Christmas stuff starts popping up.
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