Dan Kaufman
@D_Kauf11
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• ESPN 🎥 • Boy Scout Drop Out • SRU Alum • Retired DIVISION II (club) ATHLETE • 99.9% of all tweets are original
Hartford, CT
Joined April 2013
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One time I was on a date in high school and I got pulled over and the police officer let me off with a warning but fined my date $100 because she was only 4’8” and by law was suppose to be in a booster seat and honestly I think about this a lot
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Carrie Underwood: “he’s probably buying her fruity little drink ‘cause she can’t shoot whiskey
9 year old me: wow how embarrassing
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One time the girl of my dreams asked me if I needed a ride home from campus so I obviously let her drive me home and then walked backed to campus a couple of hours later to get my car
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I forgot to eat breakfast this morning but some kid just blew his french toast flavored vape cloud in my face so that’ll suffice I guess
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Being in your mid to late twenties is just saying “I can’t drink like I used to man” and then proceeding to try to drink like I used to
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A nutrigrain bar has 120 calories
A natty light has 95 calories.
Think again about what you’re eating for breakfast
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“TikTok is causing brain rot to our children!!!!”
The brain rot I grew up with:
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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
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I think it’s safe to say I peaked in college because I just hit the lowest low of my life right now this second......
My mom just unfollowed me on Instagram
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my addiction to buying things i seriously don’t need started when I was a child at the scholastic elementary school book fair
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When I was little I was certain I’d be rich and famous by 23
Today I officially just turned 23 years old and I’m a 5th year senior and playing club lacrosse at a state school
Maybe next year Dan maybe next year
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A 100 level course prof: Attendance is mandatory, no phones permitted, 14 hours of homework/week, also we have 7 exams and one is today
400 level course prof: I illegally downloaded the texbook, I'll send you the link. Text me if you need anything. Do you guys wanna go skiing?
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do the racists in Pennsylvania with confederate flags flying on the back of their trucks know that Pennsylvania wasn't in the confederacy
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Being 18-24 is like being in a video game where you just decided to skip the tutorial so you have no clue how anything works so you’re just walking around aimlessly looking for a miracle
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Why do we test on animals when we have pedophiles in prison?
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By the age of 21 you should have
1. $5 in your account
2. a bad relationship story
3. a sharp back pain every morning
4. anxiety
5. $50,000 of crippling student debt
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60 years into the future*
Grandkids: “Grandpa what was the most annoying thing that ever happened to you?”
Me: The day U2 illegally put one of their albums on my IPod
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I remember I worked retail and a young guy asked me if we had
“fraternity wear”
So I showed him wear the Sperry’s were and visors and he stared at me like I was a complete idiot.
He said:
“Dude I said maternity wear”
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Back in high school I got out of detention early one time because I told the supervisor I had to pick up my kids from daycare
I was 14
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“I don’t need to drink or smoke to have a good time”
Sounds great bro because you’re driving us there
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Insurance is pretty cool because even if you have it, it still kind of feels like you don’t
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Yeah breakups can be brutal but have you ever thought you played the funniest card in cards against humanity and you’re literally cracking up thinking about it but then the judge reads it and no one laughs
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It’s called gross pay because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made
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“My ex girlfriend is crazy”
Code for: I played w her emotions, ruined her mental health, gave her reasons to be jealous, used gaslighting when she called me out, and now that she’s justifiably upset/hurt I demonize her hoping other men won’t want her and she’ll come back to me.
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Being the last male on my dads side of the family has its perks
Ex: My grandma just raised her offer to $10,000 for me to marry a Jewish girl to keep our family 100% kosher
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Yesterday I had a soccer mom riding my ass for 7 miles because I went on the other side of the road to pass as she was turning 2 mph into her driveway
She turned around and followed me until we were in traffic to say the F bomb 14 times to me
Pennsylvania is a scary place dude
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Sibling relationships are weird. I’ll give you my kidney with no questions asked but there’s no chance I’m getting you a glass of water
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So I met one of my friends parents today and he asked me if I was from the east coast because of my mannerisms
I proudly said yes
He then had the audacity to ask me if I was from....wait for it....NEW JERSEY
Yes today is officially the worst day of my life
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There needs to be a mandatory class in college when you enter as a freshmen called:
How to walk above 1 mph in public
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You think you’re pretty smart until you have to know how to turn on someone else’s shower
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My dad told me at a young age if anyone ever made fun of me for my height by saying “How’s the weather up there” I should then spit on them and say:
“It’s raining”
Solid advice Stew I was wrong about you
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Back in high school this girl I really liked told me to talk to her in five years when I got more mature
Then directly after she started dating a guy who was 21 but had no job, no drivers license and sold drugs for a living
Life was strange back then
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So I waited on this guy and he tipped me nothing
I then went out days later and somehow he’s a SERVER and he was you guessed it MY SERVER. He looked at me like a deer in headlights and I laughed
I wrote on the bill:
“Always be the bigger person in life”
I tipped him 20%
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During spring break one of the people I met there did coke off the Bible, ripped out seven pages in it and then at the end of the trip said:
“Yeah I think my next tattoo is going to be a cross on my chest”
Dude I don’t think Jesus and you are on good terms anymore
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One time I had a customer walk in literally 5 minutes before we closed the restaurant and she had the audacity to yell “yay I made it”
Girl you made what? Made me mad?!?
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Ladies you should never feel guilty when a guy buys you a drink and then you leave him directly after
There’s a wage gap for a reason he can afford it
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When I was a kid my Dad always told me I had a great face for radio
I took it as a huge compliment
I was today years old when I realized he was actually just calling me ugly to my face
Funny joke Stew
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My first night I went out in slippery rock I was talking to the most beautiful girl ever. I asked where are you from?
Her response: “Mars”
I thought she just wasn’t interested in me so I walked away immediately
Tonight I just found out Mars is an actual place....
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No one:
My dad on the phone: R as in Richard A as in applesauce
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60 years into the future*
Grandkids: “Grandpa what was the most annoying thing that ever happened to you?”
Me: The day U2 illegally put an entire one of their albums on my IPod
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After 5 long years my last semester of college officially starts tomorrow
6 years ago my dad bet $100 to his friends that I wouldn’t even graduate high school
In May I’ll be graduating college
Never doubt me again Stew
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Yeah break ups can be brutal but do you remember when Snapchat only gave us one line to type a message to send to someone and if we went over we had to use the marker tool with our finger to write the rest of the message
2000’s kids will never understand what we went through
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I was walking down the street today when an old man wished myself who is Jewish:
“Merry Christmas”
I was caught very off guard so I shouted back:
“Thank you Merry Christmas to you as well sir!”
Moral: If you’re offended by the words Merry Christmas you’re the problem
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Forget COVID I’m still waiting on my vaccine for Bieber Fever
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Dentist: Do your gums normally bleed this much?
Me: No, I apologize normally my gums aren’t being poked and cut by a sharp metal stick on a daily basis
Dentist: Yeah that’s not it you need to floss more
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One time I was talking to a girl and when she ended things with me she said:
“Sorry I just don’t want anything serious right now”
One month later she moved all the way across the country to date and live with a guy she met off of tinder
It’s a cruel world sometimes
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I’m at that point in my financial life where I shake the gas pump for 5-10 seconds after I’m done to make sure every single ounce possible of the $5 I could afford to spend on it gets into my gas tank
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Did you guys ever hear someone say something smart in class and wonder what it’s like to actually have brain cells that do their job
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One minute you’re young and listening to Trap Queen at a house party with a backpack full of natty lights, the next you’re excited about a new air freshener
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It’s Wing Wednesday guys let’s settle this once and for all
retweet for wings with blue cheese
like for wings with ranch
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I don't care how old you are, they just don't make bangers like Stacy's Mom anymore
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Unpopular opinion:
Nickleback is one of the greatest bands of all time and if you don’t see that you don’t know music
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If you could sacrifice one state to end COVID-19, what would it be? And why Florida?
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One minute you’re young and listening to Trap Queen at a house party with a backpack full of booze, the next you’re excited about a new candle
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Instead of spending $19 on takeout I’m going to do something responsible and get groceries at Whole Foods for $249
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Can you imagine the amount of toxic fumes released into our atmosphere from cops idling waiting to pull someone over?
I respect my fellow police officer but do you know what I respect more?
OUR ENVIRONMENT
It’s time for a change
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Whenever a college tour group comes onto campus I feel like an animal trapped in a zoo
Please stop staring at me lady I’m not interesting, I literally peaked in high school Susan
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Being an adult is cool and all until you realize all your best friends are in different cities/states and you can’t just drive 5 minutes to their house anymore lol damn
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Pennsylvania culture is going 85 on I-79 and having every car pass you
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Back when I was a kid I bought a necklace with a sword on it at a 50 cent toy machine and started wearing it all the time
My dad freaked out on me for wearing the necklace and screamed
“DAN WE’RE JEWISH TAKE THAT OFF”
And that’s when I found out what the cross was
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When I first started waiting tables I would tell my customers “sorry it’s my first day!” any time I made a mistake.....for 6 years straight until the day I left
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At the bar*
Friend: “Dan come hit on girls with me.”
Me: I can’t dude I have a girlfriend
Him: “Just help me get the girl on the right.”
Me: DUDE that’s my girlfriend
Him: What about the one on the left?
Me: THAT’S MY SISTER
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I’m wondering at what age I’ll learn to say no to tequila shots?
Because it’s not 25
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does your heart ever just go
🦋 💓 💓 🦋
💓 🦋 💓
🦋 Let’s skip 🦋
💘 this 8am 💘
💓 💓
🦋 🦋
💓
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Imagine being a guy that’s so insecure about himself he has to tell his girlfriend what she can and can’t wear in public
Now that’s a pathetic excuse of a man
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Chasing after an actual ping pong ball in a house full of people is so dehumanizing dude
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One summer I babysat for my neighbors and their parents had a “smart” house so they could just control it virtually but as I was just casually in the dining room Fetty Wap starts blasting through the house and the mom texts me and goes “I thought a frat boy would appreciate that”
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99% of College kids:
"Ugh life is so hard"
As they get into their new BMW that they didn’t buy, pay gas or insurance for
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@Court_2699
She eventually fought it in court and won because she wasn’t driving 😂 but apparently it is a in the fine print law if you’re under 4’10 you have to be in a booster seat
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A nutrigrain bar has 120 calories
A white claw has 100 calories.
Think again about what you’re eating for breakfast
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People who say:
“I’m from Pittsburgh”
📍
📏 (2 hr drive)
📏
📏
📍Pittsburgh
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One time I worked retail and a young guy came in with his girlfriend and asked me if we had
“fraternity wear”
So I showed him where the Sperry’s were and visors and he stared at me like I was a complete idiot.
Him:
“Dude I said maternity wear”
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Me after studying for 5 minutes straight without looking at my phone
| 👀 |
\ /
____| |____
/ ✊__/
\_✊
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Boss: You're fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a server Dan where did you get those
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In life you always need to find the things that motivate you
Exactly 2 years ago my ex girlfriend told me I would flunk out of college and be going nowhere in my life
Tomorrow I’ll be graduating college
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“Congratulations you’re hired”
Me: “Thank you, I am so grateful for this opportunity to wake up at 6 a.m. and sit in traffic so that I can sit at a computer screen for 8 hours everyday”
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A lot of you “experts” have been trying to tell me this isn’t true or this didn’t happen. But yes if you’re under 4’9” by law you need to be in a booster seat
How could it be legal to not even be able to see over your steering wheel? Think about it
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Tom Brady really just went to a random NFL team that hasn’t even made the playoffs since 2007 and said “wanna win a super bowl?”
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Physically I am in 2021. Mentally I’m in 2007 when Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus toured together
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People who say:
“I’m from Pittsburgh”
📍
📏 (2 hr drive)
📏
📏
📍Pittsburgh
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Yeah breakups can definitely be brutal but have you ever played a card you thought was so perfect in apples to apples and the judge thought it sucked
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Gas is now over $3 a gallon and you guys are still driving to class despite being a 5 minute walk from campus???
College kids continue to amaze me every day
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I just overheard a conversation of a guy attempting to hit on a girl at a bar by mentioning his “star” high school football career which happened over 5 years ago
That’s definitely going to get her to sleep with you smooth man real smooth
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do you use night mode on Twitter?
_____|_____
| |
yes no
| |
good grow
job the fuck
up
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Legend has it that every time a man does a woman wrong God pushes their hairline back by an inch
Watch out fellas
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“Dan what’s the strangest thing that has ever happen to you?
Me:
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If she doesn’t remember when U2 illegally hacked everyone’s IPod to upload their worst album to date on everyone’s phone then she’s too young for you bro
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A month ago Wordle was like “heart” and “mango” now it’s words that haven’t been used since the beginning of the Black Plague
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Barista: “Sorry Ma’am this is Starbucks we don’t sell four lokos here.”
Kaitlin Bennet: You know I carry right
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