Chris Lakin
@ChrisChipMonk
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I research social interaction and AI alignment as one and the same. Also, I run strange events.
SF
Joined September 2019
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someone offered me $100,000 if I could solve their anxiety. no pressure
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I paid for
@visakanv
$600's marketing help and all I got were 3,700 words of notes. summarized here!
me: why didn't this tweet get attention, you think?
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Oh, yes:
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no, they weren't. they had never met until they pointed at each other.
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@TylerAlterman
There were a bunch, but high context. Another: person stands up in front of group. I say to group, “How attractive do you think this person is? In your head, what number would you give them out of 10? Raise your hand once you’ve formulated your opinion.” Once everyone raises, I
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a client of mine realized if she never expresses interest to men she’s interested in, she’ll only end up with the kind of men that chase. All of her past partners have had savior complexes!
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I run events like this all the time in SF btw. Email list on my website
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During Intentionally Awkward Flirting last night, I told every attendee to recall the feeling of social awkwardness, find it in their body, and then maximize it while flirting.
It was really wholesome! The activities 🧵
We're finally running intentionally awkward flirting, designed by women. Structure, boundaries, let's get awk. How will you be Honorably Awkward?
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I resolved my chronic (3.5y) neck pain two months ago. Now it’s obvious to me that I was creating the tension all along. Here’s my model of what was causing my tension:
1. There would be a feeling in my neck.
Like all feelings, the sensation in my neck represented some piece of
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This father has been using spaced repetition (Anki) to teach his children how to read several years earlier than average.
"My daughter is now about to turn 5 in a few days… she definitely has the reading ability of fifth grader"
Link in next tweet
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Hot take: If therapists and coaches actually believed they could cause psychological growth, then they would ask their clients to only pay once they notice lasting change
It's really a shame that paying for products and services after you've benefited from them isn't normalized. I really wish I lived in a culture where retroactive payment was the norm. The incentives are much better, and we'd have so much better products
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@davidad
thanks for saying this. i get sussed at ppl who use neurotransmitters as explanations.
"the car moves because the gears turn" lol
"i did it because of the dopamine"..
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It's really a shame that paying for products and services after you've benefited from them isn't normalized. I really wish I lived in a culture where retroactive payment was the norm. The incentives are much better, and we'd have so much better products
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This is why I’m bearish on exposure therapy. You want to be safe in *all possible situations*, not just 99%. Empirical evidence doesn’t help much with that, especially after the first few attempts. You need something stronger (unlearning the unconscious predictions of harm)
“How could my anxiety be helping me? It’s obviously making others like me less, not more!” — No, it’s that anxiety is usually about the worst case scenarios, rather than the average case. The fix is to make all worse case scenarios feel safe — not to realize that theyre unlikely
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@sensefulronin
@justavagrant_
no, they weren't. they had never met until they pointed at each other.
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Frank Yang is immune to psychedelics now: "I've done salvia with no effect. I’ve done ayahuasca with… almost no effect… 2.5 tabs of LSD… nothing happened."
@digitalairair
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events are not about content, they're about people. HOWEVER, if you make them explicitly about people, they fail. So events must pretend to be about content.
For example, if you want to run an event for writers, you want non-writers to not be there.
So while I think I think
after seeing some 800~ events take place at The Commons i've learned 3 things:
1) plausible deniability: if you say we're here to make friends, friendship doesn't happen. if you say we're here to research or talk about niche topic x and y, friendships always form. same applies
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virtually everyone I’ve helped grow has had their deepest confusions in the same few areas
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Visa: hm, sometimes people do emotional vomiting in public and the polite thing to do is not engage. i almost feel like people left you alone as a service!
Visa: maybe instead… "here's something i learned…". (i wouldn't do this for every tweet tho)
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I began asking, “Before we start— Do you think you’re overly afraid of other people disliking you?” Most say “No.” This turns out to be wrong like 90% of the time.
I help them untangle this fear, and many psychological issues that you wouldn't think are social then get resolved.
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Visa: but, in general, **tell the scroller how you want them to engage with your content**. What is the desired response? Think more user-centric/reader-centric.
Visa: For example, if someone tweets: "bad thing happened to me, send memes"
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Do you have experience with Active Inference, Embedded Agency, biological gap junctions, or other frameworks that separate agents from their environment? Apply to the Conceptual Boundaries Workshop for AI safety. February in Austin TX.
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We're finally running intentionally awkward flirting, designed by women. Structure, boundaries, let's get awk. How will you be Honorably Awkward?
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I think it’d be kind of cool to live in a world with truly zero privacy. I feel like privacy only matters if other people have it. But if everyone knew everything about everyone else that seems fine actually? Just another equilibrium
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“How could my anxiety be helping me? It’s obviously making others like me less, not more!” — No, it’s that anxiety is usually about the worst case scenarios, rather than the average case. The fix is to make all worse case scenarios feel safe — not to realize that theyre unlikely
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This is also why I've started to transition all of my funders from proactive funding ("fund me to do work over the next n months") to retroactive funding: it has better incentives, it feels better for me, and if I'm good then I can make a profit. Photo: email to a patron of mine
It's really a shame that paying for products and services after you've benefited from them isn't normalized. I really wish I lived in a culture where retroactive payment was the norm. The incentives are much better, and we'd have so much better products
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Eye contact event last night
@thesfcommons
: By the end everyone was 1) very comfortable with eye contact (at least within the group) and 2) making ~100% eye contact while speaking, listening, and thinking, both 1on1 and in group conversation. I'm still smiling about it the event
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me: hmm i like to keep my threshold high so ppl scroll through my profile and see "oh this is all quality"
Visa: yes but soooo few ppl ever scroll through profiles. it's better to optimize for getting more eyeballs on tweets by tweeting more. maybe do this until 5k-8k
me: oh!!!
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I never ask people I help about their past trauma because it’s irrelevant. All I care about is what unconscious predictions they are making right now. If those predictions can be updated, they make rapid progress.
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Once in a while, a friend will tell me they've disliked some part of our interactions for months. Suddenly.
I vow to try my best to never do this, and instead always express my feelings — even negative ones, even confusing ones — immediately.
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Visa: You're sharing your experience. I wish more people would do that. Share your experience and invite people to share their experience. that is truly a gift to the commons.
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Emotional security is gained by losing emotional insecurities. Emotional insecurities are unconscious predictions like “For me to feel okay, other people must like me.” My process helps untangle and integrate these unconscious predictions rapidly.
@ChrisChipMonk
anxiety is not something to solve for but an emotion and experience we learn to embody and feel fully,
then eventually learn to let it rise and pass
maybe that will help reframe it for your potential student!
Just trying to make it a bit of an easier task for you :)
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A while ago I discovered I was pretending to be tired in some social attractions. Tiredness was a way for me to avoid interactions I disliked without creating conflict
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Visa: *a thing is worth saying to the public when you believe that there's something the public is doing wrong*
Visa: Sometimes people afraid of doing this. Checking- Would you be afraid to title "Popular conceptions of boundaries seem wrong"? Very common insecurity.
me: naw
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i also get much more out of focusing my energy on people who are highly responsive to me. i try to bounce back ~110% of energy i see.
but this isn't hard. What is hard is not spending energy on people who aren't responsive to you. sometimes i still get confused about this, but
how do I set boundaries around text responsiveness?
turns out it really gets to me. my quality of life is WAY higher when I’m only emotionally invested in responsive people.
I’m guessing it’s an internal thing: if this person isn’t responsive, it’s my role to keep my distance?
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I did not realize that when you become an expert in a thing, literally all of your conversations with people you meet will be about that thing whether or not you intend it. Do you ever choose to play dumb bc of this?
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@ArtirKel
I was reading some anecdotes a few days ago of people who regrew their teeth more than that
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When I was depressed there were a couple days were I realized, “Oh, I can just decide to be happy!”… and then was just happy the whole day. I did this 2 or 3 times in the first 2mo, and then for the next 4mo I somehow entirely forgot I could make that choice and stayed sad
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visa: Similar for you web bio: "Hi. I do (big thing). I do (big thing)."
Visa: Instead: Can you state your *niche*? This makes it more interesting even without the social proof. When small, be an expert in a small area. What's your niche expedition?
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me: what about this tweet
Visa: it isn't clear how you *wanted* ppl to respond. one thing you could've said (this maybe borders a bit on engagement bait): "What would you do differently?" But otherwise I would consider this a good tweet. It's nice.
How I ran a flirting party that women were excited to attend:
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Have you applied the advice in
@catehall
's post? How has it worked/not worked for you? Please reply/DM
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Visa: but the screenshot is good. maybe even "Have you ever noticed that you're avoidance is a protection mechanism?"
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Visa: also, you might think you can only tell a story 1-2x, but the internet doesn't know/care. people will milk a story for years. you can re-post talking about your parties indefinitely. every a couple of months you can mention another anecdote
me: ooo
Eye contact event last night
@thesfcommons
: By the end everyone was 1) very comfortable with eye contact (at least within the group) and 2) making ~100% eye contact while speaking, listening, and thinking, both 1on1 and in group conversation. I'm still smiling about it the event
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Visa: it's actually kind of strange that the engagement on your tweets is not more. i don't actually know how to explain this. surprising. we have 100 mutuals in common. it might just be time and arbitrary. there's no clear obvious thing that you're not doing. it's just persist.
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A billionaire asked me to help fundraise for a project today because he’s not funding it. What. I’m so confused
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Would you rather marry someone who says "I want to marry you because you’re better than every else I've dated", or "…because you're essential to me, and I can't imagine living without you" ?
I love Atlas because he's *essential*! Not because he's “the best dog”
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I think many people here are thinking about “boundaries” in a way that is incorrect and potentially harmful. Please let me know if I’m saying this in a way that makes sense. 🧵
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@RomeoStevens76
the first time my ex watched me use a computer she said "whoa you use your computer like a brain-computer interface, i have to learn from this"
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I was having some allergies and squirming around v uncomfortable. I asked the discomfort, “Why?” It responded: “Because then mom will come and help.” But she wasn’t around. In that moment, I entirely stopped suffering (it was still painful, just not bad). What?
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thanks to that girl that revealed a zero-day exploit in my soul
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People will do anything except feel the feelings causing their procrastination lol
What if an AI sidekick was there to keep you on task and help make you successful? Like the world's best pomodoro app, but smart.
What if it could be better than adderall?
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Spoke yesterday and they already reported some improvement (can't say much more b/c confidentiality)
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Visa: think about what catchphrases you want to have, explain them, and keep coming back to them in your tweets
me: hmm "psychological issues often have an immediate payoff"
Visa: you could do a thread! that's potentially a banger thread.
me: oooh
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Visa: also, i'd just, tweet more. lower your threshold. especially when you're small account. (but do it only for fun). book reviews, ask questions, tell stories.
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Once I didn't tell a group of people my name at a party and overall I acted super unusual. "Are you high rn?" "No I'm just like this!" Afterwards one found me via the internet, emailed me, we hung out, and now we're friends. Later he introduced me to a girl across the world that
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visa: "solving social interaction, becoming more alive" is too big! Who would listen to u on this vs larger accounts w more social proof? Eg: a famous actor could have "I pretend to be people" in bio fine. But your bio is basically trying to countersignal w/o social proof
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Help us plan "intentionally awkward (safe) flirting party". Women: What changes would make you personally excited to attend? CC
@archanaburra
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monthly update on what I’m doing:
- Writing about social interaction and psychological growth.
- Running very unusual social events in San Francisco.
- Helping people grow. (made $0-$12k in the last 5 days, will know in a month)
- Applying psychology to AI alignment.
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Yes, even self-loathing has a payoff. Let’s systematize how to overcome self-loathing. I used to think self-loathing was just bad. Then I realized it was trying to protect me.
I felt pretty bad about myself when I first realized that I was emotionally numb. “Why am I rejecting my
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I am exploring social interaction, emotional insecurity, spontaneity, and myself.
I run events like this all the time in SF. Email list on my website
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Visa: So, this post - you want a point of view in your title. Eg, you say inside, "Popular conceptions of boundaries seem wrong to me", that's great
Visa: also, this post would be a great thread. as i read it I'm like 'oh shit this should be discussed'
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We had broken up a month earlier, but decided to spend Thanksgiving together as friends. On the first day, she tells me about her new partner. I ask. She shares.
A pang stabs my stomach. At first I thought it might be food poisoning. I sit down on the sidewalk and hold my
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Visa: Overall I don't see anything obv wrong with your tweets. I think you should just… tweet more. Also, ask more questions. Tell people how you want them to engage with you.
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people who are avoidant in their relationships are also usually avoidant of doing inner work and therapy. True in my experience
Makes sense: avoiding social conflict is just like avoiding internal conflict. Avoiding being disliked by others is just like avoiding negative
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Visa: one way to bring that up is to literally just bring it up. ask a question. one essay prob has 8 screenshots of that. paragraph, highlight a line, "What do you think of this?" "How else?" If you do it properly, if you frame it correctly it's inviting people to participate
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Visa: Also, when people see your bio, they want to know: "_Why_ does this guy do what he does? And why should I get involved?"
Visa: For example, with your awkwardness events, why do you run those? People want to conceive of the expedition you're on
During Intentionally Awkward Flirting last night, I told every attendee to recall the feeling of social awkwardness, find it in their body, and then maximize it while flirting.
It was really wholesome! The activities 🧵
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if you're wholesome i will follow you
@ChrisChipMonk
I just read it, thank you, it was very interesting! I see your point more clearly now
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Visa: it's always the things that you don't think will be good at that go viral, eg a few days ago
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Visa: let's look at this draft you sent me.
Visa: I think this could itself be a great thread: "I was bored and I wanted to make friends". This kind of freestyle telling of stories
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My conjectures:
1/ Most people would get significantly better at friendship, romance, sex, agency, productivity, and communication if only they untangled their main emotional insecurities.
2/ It is possible to move from insecure attachment to secure attachment in a single evening
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the best way to get invited to cool events is to run them yourself, imo
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me: ok what about
Visa: you gotta chop this up, for random passer-by. it's like if you saw a 10m vid on tiktok
Visa: there's a good story here. this one takes effort to compute, i have to read the whole thing to figure out what i should respond with
We had broken up a month earlier, but decided to spend Thanksgiving together as friends. On the first day, she tells me about her new partner. I ask. She shares.
A pang stabs my stomach. At first I thought it might be food poisoning. I sit down on the sidewalk and hold my
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Visa: also, think about how your stuff interfaces with other media - What movies, books? These can be great Schelling points for people like you. Lots of info in few words. "you should totally meet this guy who also likes that book". You can also make a public bookshelf
me:
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Visa: this one doesn't have a great title. not terrible. let's see…
(we tried to think of a better one for 3min, gave up. Got any ideas?)
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How I ran a flirting party that women were excited to attend:
During Intentionally Awkward Flirting last night, I told every attendee to recall the feeling of social awkwardness, find it in their body, and then maximize it while flirting.
It was really wholesome! The activities 🧵
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Visa: Finally - how much is it a priority for you to get good at twitter vs… one conceivable outcome is you just do events and ask people to tweet about it and that along could build you a twitter following.
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a few years ago i realized that i'm simply less intelligent when i work on things i don't care about. these days i only do things i can't *not* do and i'm much more performant. if i'm not having shower thoughts about it, it's not it
After working with a couple dozen people on the perfume company it seems like there’s really one defining variable re how helpful someone will be: whether they actually care about the success of the project
Intelligence and experience are poor substitutes
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