Discount🍉Emma🍉Stone (Taylor's Version)
@Buffalojilll
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35. Buffalover living in Colorado. I'm just a girl in love, I can't be held responsible for my actions.
dember, croddo
Joined January 2018
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Pinned Tweet
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that's fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats "alright alright alright alright" starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
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How it How it's going
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How it How it's
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John Boyega literally played a cop that quit the force in Star Wars.
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*BREAKING* Shortly after divorce announcement, Jason Momoa seen holding hands with Pete Davidson outside popular LA eatery
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Absolutely incredible series of words
‘Bachelor’ Joey Graziadei confuses Gypsy Rose Blanchard for Ruth Bader Ginsburg
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Neither- the Baja blast style
do you guys prefer your ibuprofen hot dog or hamburger style?
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At my evangelical brother's wedding and contemplating choosing violence
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No community note, it's real 😳
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Me: make it a double
Bartender: *pouring a second Swiss Miss packet into my cup of hot water* long day?
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She wears short skirts,
I haunt an opera
She's cheer captain, and
I haunt an opera
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What happened in Paul Rudd's early life that made him so genuine, so nice, so witty, so talented, so RELENTLESSLY CHARMING?? We need the formula so we can replicate it in every guy ever everywhere from now on forever. An entire planet of Paul Rudds please
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Hardest fit on the hardest mfer I've ever seen
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I'm not an adult. I'm a child that has automatic bill payments set up.
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Dear men of tinder:
Owning a house isn't a personality trait
Listing the countries you've been to isn't a personality trait
Having abs isn't a personality trait
Owning a dog IS a personality trait though, what's it's name I love it
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The headline should CLEARLY be
"Kim Jong: ill?!"
Come on journalists, don't make me do your job for you
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Maybe the best line in the entire series
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The ring of MY FUCKING DREAMS
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Obsessed with this photo of Cher's mom
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Mfer knelt down in the water, it was romantic AS FUUUUCK
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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Ain't this Bill Weasley's wife
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Me: there's just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here's the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it's Curt
Me: here's the thing Curd. I'm gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
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@Hozier
wish you could have been there since you're part of this, but our first dance was to Like Real People Do so you were there in spirit
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In that women will have absolutely no interest in it?
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Him: she's a brick house
Her: *lives, laughs, loves*
Him: oh damn she's a brick home
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Schrödinger: hey look I've got a real live little kitty in this box
Assistant: CUTE let me see!
Schrödinger: it COULD be dead, we don't know! Haha!
Assistant: is everything okay at home man?
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May 20, 2020---> May 20, 2023
Twitterpated since day 1
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[After sex on the couch]
Me *out of breath*: babe that was great
Couples Therapist: get the fuck out of my office
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[First date at an aquarium]
Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board
Him:
Me: SHARK-uterie
Him: uhh
Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ
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Executioner: any last words?
Me: there should be a salad dressing that's a cross between french and ranch and it should be called franch
Executioner: this is why I come to work everyday, tbh
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Them: how's your depression?
Me: well, I cried in the shower today-
Them: omg I'm so sorry you're still struggling
Me: *was trying to brag about having actually showered* yes, thank you
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Jesus: *walks on wine*
Me *whispering*: ᴰᵒᵘᵇˡᵉ ᵐᶦʳᵃᶜˡᵉ
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I'm left handed with red hair and green eyes. I'm so recessive I shouldn't even exist.
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I'm the pinnacle of professionalism
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For the confused folks
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Jesus fuck people are dying mad about it in the quote tweets. I showed my brother this tweet and he laughed and asked "did you actually do it??"
Some families have fun together, who woulda thought
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How it How it's going
started
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Him: so you're into video games?
Me *lied on my dating profile*: y-yes
Him: do you play zelda?
Me: mmhmm yup
Him: favorite temple?
Me *visibly sweating*: ummm I'd have to say Shirley? Probably?
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I thought it was weird the other day when I read on this package "soft jelly WOMEN AND JELLY MEN" like why not just jelly people, and then today we realized
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One year ago today.
Wedding is in 55 days 😱🥳
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Him: I'm leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer's Eve™...
Me: parting is such sweet and sour :(
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Twitter has ruined me. I routinely now use the phrase "my brother in christ..." when expressing incredulity and people look at me like I'm some religious nut
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[Rehab camping trip]
Drug counselor: *melting a marshmallow in a bent spoon* Okay whoooo wants s'morphines? Just kidding haha we have fun here
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[Walking up to cashier]
Me: hi, I'd like to buy a thousand fire ants
Employee: this is.... this is a bed bath and beyond
Me: yeah I know, *whispering* ᵀʰᶦˢ ᶠᵃˡˡˢ ᵘⁿᵈᵉʳ ᵗʰᵉ "ᵇᵉʸᵒⁿᵈ"
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"I see my assassins failed."
-how I'm going to greet people from now on
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Them: whoa, identical twins! Do you guys have matching twin names, too?
Jonathon: yeah we do! It's awesome
Toyotathon: it's ok
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Well. I found it. The whitest pinterest baby name.
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Me, to antivaxxers when they're suddenly in the icu on ventilators
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this
Nurse: you're not a patient here
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My dating life cycle
1. Makes a tinder
2. Gets two matches
3. Feels exhausted already
4. Deletes tinder
5. Tweets about the sims
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Why do all birth control brand names sound like female game of thrones characters
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Last night someone offered me $3000 for a nude and I don't know if they were serious but that is now my going rate and I will accept nothing less
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Keep your phone nearby in case BONALD needs to reach you
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ME AS A DOCTOR, *shining my pen light into the patient's eyes*: just checking that everything is in working order....*clicks it off* this is great news
Patient’s wife: do you mean he may wake up soon?
Me: oh God, no. I just thought my pen light was broken
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Spectacular bumper sticker spotted in Denver
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Me: "hey what time do you want to eat dinner?"
Him: "I dunno, I'm not picky. 6:30, 7?"
Me, *to myself* "damn, that's specific"
Me, into the phone, "Yes, table for two for 6:37."
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Giving CPR but instead of "staying alive", singing "bohemian rhapsody" and changing tempo constantly and chaotically
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[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let's play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy... even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
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Being single and ~30 is so much worse when you also work with a lot of hot 23-25 yr olds that are all getting married and buying houses and real wood furniture with their dual incomes and I'm over here sleeping on a mattress that I got off of Craigslist.
Nice mattress though.
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Turned my awful date last night into a drinking game:
Every time he mansplained: drink
Every time he talked for more than 5 mins without me getting a word in: drink
Every time he had an offensive hard line opinion on something formed from a single anecdote: drink
Every time h
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[Anytime I smell weed]
Me: *out loud* I smell weed
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My favorite arrested development quote of all time
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Here ya go,
@SheRatesDogs
. My objectively drop dead GORGEOUS coworker got asked out by a guy at the dog park, went on a date, wasn't feeling it, there was a quick awkward kiss at the end of the date, told him how she felt through text... AND THIS MADNESS ENSUED
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Most people don't know this but, 'The Road not Taken' by Robert Frost is about anal
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[First date]
Him: are you pretty social or are you a homebody?
Me: *flashes back to Friday night when I fed a clump of dog hair to my roomba like a treat and said "good boyyy"*
Me: oh super social, so many friends tbh
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Video game exec: okay we need an animal to portray the lead character, whose only defining quality is that it's REALLY REALLY FAST
Brenda: Cheetah?
Exec: fuck no Brenda
Todd, who wasn't listening: *mouth full of milk duds* hedgehog.
Exec: GODDAMN PERFECT Todd
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Blowjob tennis
advice match meet-up
🤝🏻
Don't forget
the balls
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[first date at a museum]
Me: what's the mummy exhibit like?
Him: remains to be seen
Me: well yeah, obviously
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[Winning the lottery]
Me: I wish for unlimited wishes
Lotto representative: Ma'am that's not how this works
Me: I WISH FOR MY DOG TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO ME
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The two leads in Queens Gambit have identical faces and I couldn't unsee it the entire time
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Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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Me: ok with all this social isolating, it's the perfect time to start my book!
*typing*
Microwaving for One:
The Single Woman's Guide to
Optimizing Culinary Sadness
Me: Chapter One:
The Box is Lying, Why You
Don't Need to Remove and Stir
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GUYS I GOT APPROVED 😭😭😭😭
Went on a first date and ended up meeting the new love of my life. Putting in an application for "Al" who will definitely get renamed something from zelda
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White people love saying "uh oh" and then other white people love responding "uh oh is right!"
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT'S THAT I'M SINGLE.
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I fuckin love model homes- yessssss bitch show me the life I can't have and will never ever be able to have. Absolutely wreck me, fuck me up, look at your fuckin neutral decor and bowl of lemons on the counter... Hurt me harder
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Every time my dad makes a joke now, he immediately goes, "put that on Twitter"
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Me: more like bae-liff amirite?
Judge: final warning, juror 5
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Okay I haven't seen it posted yet but THIS is the all time funniest 30 rock scene
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A guy catfishing me but it's just him sending me pics of a dog he doesn't actually own
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Me, to my sim: why are you putting your dish on the coffee table?? The dishwasher is RIGHT THERE
My sim, *breaking the fourth wall and looking right at me*: you fucking hypocrite
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