BowTiedCEO | Chad Exec | Bro of the Board Room
@BowTiedChadCEO
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Corporate Chad of the Back Office | Decision Maker for the Decision Makers | Financial Consulting | Interview Prep Specialist NOT CAREER OR INVESTMENT ADVICE
Degen Island
Joined October 2022
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Pinned Tweet
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Just got back from the water park.
I'm not a doomer, but humanity is toast.
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For those of you going through open enrollment, just remember
Your employer raised your premiums because Marge in HR and her dependents
all have Type 2 diabetes, hypertension, and all get one of everything on the menu when they take their daily trip to Chick Fil A
🤷
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A $120,000 net worth at 28 is not a flex
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Company and hiring manager's minimum qualifications for some jobs are insane.
CFO (urgently hiring)
20+ years
Middle of nowhere, USA
$80-120k
CPA/MBA
In person (must relocate)
If your goal was to never fill this job, congratulations you did it.
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I was on a call last week and someone used the term
"Irish goodbye"
I immediately knew they were gonna get an email from HR about this, especially since there was a Karen on the call.
Sure enough, they got the email an hour ago.
The sensitivity is sky, freakin high
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Happy hours with coworkers, is not a time to truly let down your guard around them.
Even the ones you are comfortable with, still may not have your best interest in mind.
Be social, engaged, and stay sober. People will hold things you say, against you, even if you are drunk.
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Buddy was laid off recently
No reserve funds
Now his wife just left her job
I asked him why she didn't keep her job since that was their only income.
His response: "She's overwhelmed"
Can't imagine getting to this point where you give up income when in a desperate situation.
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Please, for the love of God, stop wearing these.
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Just got back from a trip with the kids.
Everyone I saw was obese and/or low IQ.
The species is down bad.
This is unsustainable.
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Hired ✅
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If you're still working at your W2 after 2pm on a Friday
People don't like you or think something is wrong with you.
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Running an experiment.
Do you put up inflatables for holidays?
If so, are you fat?
Please answer for scientific purposes.
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For all those people who leave their W2 for a different gig saying
"Good luck managing without me"
Don't worry, they will.
You're not that important.
Nobody really is.
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Now he's just doing basic math problems.
Wtf🙄
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Retire
At 67, I’m being discriminated against for my age — what can I do?
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One of the worst people to associate yourself with at your W2
Is the person who always has something to say in meetings and it never adds value or makes any sense.
Beware
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I have been in healthcare most of my career.
I keep seeing a lot of suggestions about how to fix the healthcare system.
All these suggestions are great, but to really fix healthcare, patients just need to live a healthier lifestyle.
There. Fixed it.
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Places that attract obese people:
1) Theme parks
2) Buffets
3) The hospital
What you got?
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The Masters came to a close today.
It will come up at your W2 tomorrow.
- Tiger's body is broken
- the 13th hole in the final rd is where Keopka blew it
- John Rahm played consistently well the entire tourny, making few mistakes.
- John Rahm is Spanish (IYKYK)
Thank me later
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Buddy just told me the SMB he works at polled the employees to see if they would want either:
A) Layoffs
B) No merit/bonus increases, but keep their jobs.
70% wanted to risk to see if they would get laid off.
This entire thing is wild to me
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"Why did my employer increase my premiums?"
"Because someone has to pay for 300+ lb Marge in HRs
- ozempic
- heart bypass
- glucose monitor
- neuropathy treatments
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@dpopp77
That one time event isn't raising premiums. The people I'm describing can fix both themselves AND the financial burden they put in their employer and coworkers.
Also, I'm glad your son came out of it healthy. How is he doing now? I pray he is doing well.
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If LinkedIn didn't have the ability to connect with recruiters or post jobs
It would be toast.
Every time I open that app, all I see are a bunch of people pumping fake sunshine up each other's butts.
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@RobertMSterling
Recruiter called me with those terms today.
Me: (long pause) Is this for real?
Recruiter: I know it's ridiculous.
Me: Let me ask you a question. Are they even helping with relocation.
Recruiter: (sigh) nope
Down bad
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My wife has a superpower where she can give me an in depth psycho analysis on someone she meets for the first time, by just having a 10 minute convo with them.
Her judge of character seems to be right all the time.
Have avoided devastating networking decisions because of it.
I run the big things by her.
She typically has a completely different perspective on things that I missed in the first place. Very useful.
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I understand why someone adds credentials at the end of their name.
It shows proof of something you worked for.
But for God's sake, do not put "MBA" if you have one.
It's not credential worthy and makes you look like an asshole.
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I had a job interview today.
I had no intention of taking it if they offered it to me.
Why did I do this?
- I'm pricing myself against the market
- keeps my interview skills sharp
- networking opportunity
There's more reasons to interview than to try and get a job.
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Always network with the custodians and cleaning staff. Why?
You can get some great info about people
Like how the custodian walked in on the married VP of Marketing, when he was getting sloppy dome from an analyst in his department.
Guess what I brought up at our next meeting?
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Watching inept managers scramble to keep up capacity after a reliable employee leaves is hilarious.
"I never thought they'd leave"
You never thought your best employee would take the chance not to work for your dumb ass AND get paid more?
Hopeless
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Most of them are nurses. Bet
Late Night in London: Filmed in the style of a wildlife documentary
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Don't have sex in the office
Don't have sex in the office
Don't have sex in the office
Don't have sex in the office
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I feel bad for the singles.
Being married to a great woman is a cheat code.
Bro this is like 2012 info. Only dudes on dating apps were guys hooking up down (lower looks vs the girls they racked up)
Has never changed.
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What's wrong with all of you?
Managers say Gen Zers aren't getting work done and lack basic social skills, per BI.
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Having a poker face at your W2 is a super power.
As a smart ass, I can tell you that not reacting to some of the most idiotic takes will save your ass.
It's hard not to make a witty comment when someone says we should take field trips to the zoo during work
(Actually happened)
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🧵HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF WHEN YOU RESIGN
Got a better offer?
Sick of your current gig?
Whatever the case, you're getting out and don't want to burn any bridges.
So what is the proper way to resign?
Let's go over a few scenarios and things to know before you bounce.
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Anyone who says obesity isn't the greatest problem facing the American healthcare system is a total moron.
Not only is there overwhelming and freely accessible data to support this, but you also have no idea of what the downstream effects of obesity truly are.
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If you have a good boss, be very careful about leaving your current job for another.
A bad boss generally isn't worth the higher salary.
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Y'all really like to shit where you eat, huh?
Shocking number of US workers have had sex with a coworker: survey
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You're working late at the office. You're pretty sure everyone has left for the night.
The admin you've been flirting with for weeks stops by your office.
She shuts the door, locks it and starts unbuttoning her blouse.
It's obvious what's happening.
What do you do?
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Expect more layoffs to hit next month at this time.
Mid August is going to be painful.
Budget for 2024 needs set.
Run rate also needs trimmed.
Be prepared for pain.
Have your resume set.
Keep your network up to date.
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How to increase employee retention?
- offer flexibility
- hold everyone accountable
- pay them if you want to keep them
- be transparent
- don't treat them like servants
- manage out the weak links
- know what they know
- do what they do
- don't be an asshole
- empower them
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One of the hardest character traits for me to take seriously
Is an overly cheerful energy.
I'm all for a positive and friendly demeanor but if you are
Bouncing around like a coked up cheerleader
It is going to be painful to be around you.
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Whenever we start the bed time process with the kids
It feels like they took the most stimulated pre workout that has ever been created in human history.
The energy levels go from 0 to 100.
Every.single.night
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File this under
"Games you play with your secretary"
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The people who aren't afraid of getting laid off:
- were passively looking for jobs before the notice
- have 6-12 months reserve funds
- have confidence they can land another job
- have a network they can leverage for another job
Is this you?
If not, you got work to do.
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Don't interview on Mondays or Fridays.
The interviewers do not give a shit.
At all.
Tuesday - Thursday is the sweet spot.
If you schedule an interview after noon on a Friday. You didn't get the job.
Bet
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🧵Layoff Survival Guide: Layoff Types, How They Are Executed, & Will You Get Canned
Inspired by
@BowTiedBull
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I think we may have a winner with this purchase.
Local HVAC company due diligence
Net Income is ~30%
Owner will stay on for a salary
Room for price increases on installs and potentially service to increase NI to 45%
Mostly residential but can I get commercial contracts
One
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If you're afraid to negotiate a job offer, you could be leaving money on the table.
How to get over this?
Practice
The easiest way to practice?
Find a toddler and tell them they can't do something. Start negotiating. They are savage negotiators.
You're welcome
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I can't believe I have to say this.
No. You can't ask a coworker if you can drink their breast milk.
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🧵THE BOARD MEETING FROM HELL
A true story of the worst experience I ever had in a board room.
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You have a death in the family.
You are allowed 3 days of bereavement from your W2.
Your boss gives an insincere acknowledgement of what happened and asks when you will have a time sensitive project completed.
It is due while you are off.
How do you handle it?
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If you record the meeting minutes
You are the bitch.
Your brand is the bitch.
Your career is suffering for it.
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I miss the days when suits were the common dress attire.
Wearing a suit into your W2 today makes you get side eye from everyone, ranging from the boomer wearing a short sleeve buttoned up and a tie
To the zoomer who thinks basic hygiene is going above and beyond.
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As a parent, this is one thing I highly recommend.
Anecdotally, will save your kid from a few ear infections and speed up getting over colds.
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GM
Please don't insist everyone show their faces on virtual meetings.
Fastest way to make yourself look like an asshole.
Most look rekt, are half listening, and are wondering why this couldn't have been an email.
You're welcome.
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I had a boss once tell me
"I don't trust people who don't drink" . . . And he was also a drunk
When networking with people like this, know that if they think you don't drink then they WILL hold it against you.
Know yourself in these situations, but also the consequences.
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It's amazing how different generations handle things.
High priority ask at the W2.
All the boomers need to get on the phone to expedite completion. (Won't even call online)
Everyone not a boomer, just uses chat or email.
Guess who completed first?
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Just got an impromptu meeting added at 4 on a Friday.
Guess who added it?
A Boomer
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I don't care if you started a new job yesterday. You should always be, at a minimum, passively looking at better opportunities.
Stop pre-screening job candidates due to short-stint job history. The highest-caliber, smartest people understand you have no choice in this economy.
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🧵HOW TO DETECT A BAD BOSS
AT AN INTERVIEW
You don't want to get duped in an interview and accept a job where your boss makes your life hell.
What are the 🚩's?
How to spot their flaws?
Let's go through how to prevent working for a crappy boss.
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@BowTiedBroke
Many such cases.
x 100 when out of state for travel.
Debauchery is predictable.
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A family member just married the girl he got pregnant.
On one hand, I think it is the honorable thing to do.
On the other, tying yourself to a woman you don't love for the rest of your life is tragic.
Mixed emotions.
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Most people don't apply for jobs because they
- don't want to get rejected
- afraid of interviews
- don't want to turn someone down
- think they are underqualified
Who cares? Just apply.
So what if you don't get it. Just keep applying.
Don't overthink it.
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If you're currently in college, you need to be doing an internship while in school if you plan on getting a W2 after you graduate.
It makes you a better looking candidate for entry level jobs and can accelerate your career by a few years post grad.
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🧵MANAGING THE W2 GRIND
The corporate grind can be a struggle, especially with a family, WiFi money, or any other priorities.
How do you balance it all?
How do you prioritize your time?
What pitfalls can you avoid?
Here are some things to help you manage the grind.
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What's the craziest thing you've done to prep for an interview?
I'll go first:
I hired a P.I. to investigate my potential boss.
Dude was weird and sketchy AF.
Didn't take the job.
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I really don’t fuck with dudes who say they are "overwhelmed".
You sound like a middle aged white woman when Starbucks ran out of your almond milk.
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Wife just picked a fight with Girl Scouts of America.
Not one troop, but the entire organization.
Excited to see who wins.
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That which gets tracked
Gets measured.
That which gets measured,
Gets rewarded.
Translation = track your achievements to get paid
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The jungle is great.
Feels good to be a part of a community of like minded people
After dealing with obese, mindless, sub human gargoyles at the W2.
🤝
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It's intern season.
Please, for the love of God
Do not bang the interns.
It's not worth it.
Also, they aren't into you.
You can barely muster enough strength to iron your shirt, you ugly bastard.
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@Cernovich
This is the exact energy I brought when my wife proposed a side hustle to sell once and gone pastry.
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GM
Happy Father's Day Jungle!
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Boss (sharing screen): Can you update that in the deck?
Analyst: Do you wanna just do it now? You're already in it.
Boss: No you can do it after this.
Analyst:
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It's hard for me to take you seriously at an interview
When you have Dorito dust entrenched in your neck beard
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This is peak micromanagement.
Expect people to look for another gig. (Maybe that's what they are trying to do🤔)
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GM
“I can’t hit my protein goals daily…”
Bro take 84g’s to the dome and get back to me
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WFH Benefit number 69,420:
Clapping cheeks during a conference call 😎
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Please, for the love of God, do not put your headshot on your resume.
AI generated headshot, even worse.
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My favorite cigar brands:
1) Cohiba
2) Romeo y Julieta
3) Ghurka
4) Montecristo
5) Partagas
Machine rolled in a pinch:
Garcia Vega
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When you had a bad day at the W2
And a female coworker asks you if rubbing her boobs would help
Don't do it
It's a trap.
Stay strong
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My W2 has officially banned any AI chat bot until further notice.
Need permission from IT governance to use (🙄).
Use, without permission, will result in termination.
Interdasting
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Normie: So you eat 6 meals a day?
CEO: yep
Normie: And you workout at 4 AM?
CEO: yep
Normie: [chuckling] I don't workout at all or eat like you. That's probably why I'm fat.
CEO:
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Straight men will never complain to HR.
Women and ghey dudes on the other hand, are 50/50.
Make a tiddy comment one day and they laugh with you.
Make a fat joke about Lizzo and they lose their mind.
You really need to vet coworkers as to which are an HR complaint risk.
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Coworker told us today she's pregnant. Everyone was extremely happy for her except one person.
Went on and on about how she didn't have good kids etc.
Stop being miserable pieces of shit when good things happen to other people.
It must be a miserable existence to live that way
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